


I saw Seven Dogs

by room_on_broom



Series: I Saw Seven Idiots 2: Beefy Bois [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Chaotic Good, Dogs, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Fluff and Humor, Gen, IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew as Family, Mild Language, Multi, Past Character Death, Play Fighting, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Service Dogs, Swearing, Two Shot, crude humour mild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/room_on_broom/pseuds/room_on_broom
Summary: “But I saw a brilliant light, playing fetch with Seven dogs running tirelessly from the storm. I saw seven dogs…"It's a quiet chill afternoon on the Starblaster. Or it was, till Magnus got bored. and started a discussion about dog breeds and working out what type of dogs his crewmates would be.[First Chapter is Stolen Centry, Rest is a couple of years post Story and Song.]
Relationships: Angus McDonald & Tres Horny Boys, Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Bureau of Balance & IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew, IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew & Angus McDonald, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Series: I Saw Seven Idiots 2: Beefy Bois [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940368
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	1. No Dogs on Tuesday

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t actually know anything about dogs, or types or breeds. so sorry if I cocker spaniel this up. Gnomes and Elves have tails, Merle is a windup merchent, and Lucretia is still fairly new to using magic. Hope you enjoy this

“Hey, guys?” Barry said. “How are we even gonna know when the Hunger is on its way?” 

He had his head against the window and his elbows on the sill. It is a really quiet afternoon on the StarBlaster, around three months into their current year. 

“What do you mean?” The Captain asked.  
“Well, normally one of the signs John is on his way is that everything goes dull and greyish right? But here Everything’s already greyish anyway.” Barry replied, wondering aloud. “It all looks dull and washed out already.”

“This from the guy who just wears blue jeans and a white shirt. All Day Every Day.” Merle chuckled, not opening his eyes. “Every week. Every month. Heck, every year even.”

Barry laughed not taking offence. “Well someone’s gotta try NOT to blind the locals.” 

“Yeah. Alright torchy, you got me there.” Merle replied. Barry frowned.  
“Torchy?”  
“He means Touché.” Lucretia corrected, not looking up.  
“Touch what?” Merle said.

“Can’t touch this!” The other half of the crew chimed in with. Davenport rolled his eyes so hard it was almost audible.

“Touché.” Lucretia repeated.  
“That’s what I said.” Merle argued.  
“You did not.” Magnus said. Merle opened one eye and thought for a moment.

“Well it’s what I meant to say then. Torchy touché, tomatoes potatoes.”  
“That’s…that’s not right either.” Lucretia frowned.  
“Could be on this planer system my dude.” Taako mumbled, also not looking up more focused on picture on the jigsaw lid.  
“Could be.” Lucretia nodded, “I still say its ‘Touché’ though.”  
Barry agreed.

“Now it just sounds like you’re saying ‘Tooshie’.” Said the dwarf. 

“Merle?” Lup said, lowering her book. “I’m gonna stop you there because: Merle? Ew. Just ew.”  
Magnus also made a face. 

“Lucretia said it not me.” Merle complained. Lucretia protested. But Merle’d already given them a vague wave that might have been flipping them off, and snuggled back down in his beanbag to nap some more.

Barry was right though. And not just about the word. 

Merle was wearing an eye watering patterned shirt open over a cable knit jumper. It’s even more blinding then his usual choice. By contrast of the planet, he and the rest of the crew had taken to wearing the brightest thing in their wardrobes to compensate for, as Barry rightly put it, the washed out outside. Even the captain who was normally a stickler for uniform, had picked out the reddest of his red casual work clothes to wear.

It was dreary as fuck outside. Well, it was drearily then usual outside. Dreary as per, but wet. Which had scuppered most people’s plans of exploring the nearest town some more or tinkering with the ship repairs. This world was a various degrees of warm greys and browns and everything else in neutral tones or muddy colours. The silver rain coming down and down in non-stop heavy shower, grey clouds on grey skies blocking out Tuesday’s warm beige sun. 

Yes, the thirty fourth year’s planet was called Tuesday. It was currently a Sunday on Tuesday. And none of the dull quiet civilians got why that’s weird or funny. It’s not the most exciting or chill plane of existence. Even the capital cities are like every other place is, suburban, dull and uniform. A ‘plain plane’ as Merle had put it. (Taako had hit him with an Ivan’s Itch cantrip for that, but secretly he was inclined to agree.) It wasn’t exceedingly hostile and barren, at least. But it was as it was as if a bowl of porridge had been given personification and life.

The crew were piled into the small communal area of the ship. The conference/dining table was folded away and the sofas have dragged forward to be more central to a smaller coffee table.  
It’s not quite warm enough to be cosy, but it’s nice. Jumpers and layers are a must on Tuesday and today robes are doubling as blankets and snuggles.  
It’s quiet in that compatible way too. Instrumental music, something classical and smooth The Captain chose is playing quietly on the cobbled together sound system. Everyone is doing their own thing. And the opening paragraph of this scene aside there’s not much chatter. 

Other than Barry, who finished up his skyline measurements and asked “I’m getting a snack, anyone want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” 

He ended up writing a list in his notebook to keep track of the orders.

And yeah while they don’t yet have the Light YET, they know where it is at least. And who has it. it’s a case of:  
“yes you may have it strange creatures, but we want to study it some more first. Next week good for you?”  
All they can do is wait for now. keep an eye out. See if they get the Light or see if they plan a heist in order to save Tuesday. 

Because of that, no one’s seriously picked up a hobby or made any plans for the year yet. it’s the seven of them again, which seems too long since that’s happened. No one’s died or gotten sick or injured. And Merle’s declared ‘fuck John’ and that he’ll parley next year, citing he wants a break from being barbequed for a bit after three years straight. Neither would ever ever EVER admit it, but Taako and Magnus in particular have missed the old bastard a lot the last couple years he’s left them.

At the moment said old bastard’s dosing off his lunch in a beanbag that he’ll need help getting out of later and will be complaining about how it’s not good for his back. 

In the kitchen the kettle clicks and whistles. Drinks are made.  
“Capt? there’s no camomile!”  
“Coffee then.”  
“Defeats the object, but okay!” Barry called.

Taako had spent morning baking, as no one likes Tuesday’s bland locally made goods. (Tuesday bread is like cardboard and doesn’t even have the decency to be heathy at the same time.)  
He’s now sat on one sofa, chilling with a jigsaw in fount of him one side of the coffee table while he waits for the dough to prove. He is layered up the most, topped with a hat indoors. In fact, he has one of Magnus’ IPRE jackets over the top of his own look despite the dreadful clashing of red and lilac. 

Magnus was sat next to him, darning his Tesseralia Winners jacket, as he’d ripped it last cycle. Or it’s from he got shot at previously and only just noticed the hole last cycle, he’s not sure. It was quite funny and adorable to see the big guy huddled over the tiny needle muttering under his breath.

Davenport is sat in the largest armchair with the very thick newspaper, muddling through the relatively new language as best he can. All that can be seen from behind the broad sheet of their captain are the tip on his tail, his legs sticking out from underneath, and his hands that are holding the paper. 

Lucretia was sat on the floor (and several scatter cushions) on the other side of the table with a robe over her crossed legs. The journal for Cycle Eighteen is propped open in front of her as she sketches and copies something from it on to a small canvas board in her lap. 

Lup’s lazily sprawled across the other sofa, hair tail and legs taking up most of the cushion space and is the only one in short sleeves. She’s been dipping in and out of a very dog eared choose your own ending whodunit novel for a good hour. Currently dipping out of reading to watch over Lucy’s shoulder as she draws. It’ll be making the scriber self-conscious but Taako decided not to interfere. It’s much better than Lup’s occasionally glancing up at the window with a dumb pining look on her face at Barry’s back like she had been while he was stood there.

Speaking of Barry-  
“Who’s still taking sugar?” Bluejeans asked sticking his head out the galley. “Drinks charts out of date.”  
“One for Me.” Taako said, raising his hand not looking up.  
“and Me-!” Magnus yelled. Even though Barry is like right there.  
“Cut the volume.” Taako complained, giving Mags a small smack upside on the head. “You asked for a Fantasy Fanta, dummy.”  
“Oh, yeah.” Magnus said. Then shouted, “Never mind!”  
Partly because Magnus Burnsides does not have an indoor voice, but mostly just to annoy Taako. Barry rolled his eyes fondly. 

“How many Lup? Lucy?”  
“One and half.” Lucretia said.  
“Don’t be awkward Kid.”  
Lucretia makes a face at him for being called awkward and kid but said “Two then.”  
“Same.” Lup said. “Cheers hun.”  
“S-sure. No problem.” Barry stutters. His ears have gone pink again. “Cap?”  
“Half a sugar.”  
“You’re not being deliberately awkward there are you, Cap?”  
“Me? Never!” Davenport said and returned to his papers. But there was a definite twitch of mustace and a unsubtle wink to the archivist. Lucretia stifled a laugh.  
“Right.” Barry said unimpressed but didn’t argue. “Merle?”  
“Four please!”  
“Seriously?”  
“Four?” Lucretia frowned.  
“Fucking hell Merle.” Lup scolded. “Your teeth are going to rot.”  
“Yeah I thought I had the sweet tooth.” Magnus teased.  
Even Taako is applaud. “Four sugars. For real? My man that’s not a drink, that’s a syrup.”  
“I’m cutting down!” Merle argued.  
“How have the seven of us not all been wiped out by diabetes?” Capitan Davenport sighed. 

There’s an odd pause as everyone debated pointing out they haven’t been any where long enough to do so, but then collectively all chose to leave it for now. That’s topic for another cycle.

“HEY BARRY!” Taako shouted as Barry disappeared again. “Use the sugar jar in the cupboard up first before you open the new bag! And go easy on the brown sugar, this place doesn’t have an equivalent to restock.”  
“I will! I am!” he yelled back.  
“Actually, Barry? Can I have sweetener if there is any?” Lucretia called.  
“Too late, I already put sugar in. Sorry Luc.”  
“Never mind then.”  
“Take it from Taako, Luc. Life too short for sweetener, even ours.” Taako said. then full on bellowed at toward the kitchen. “And BLUEJEANS Put That Tea Towel the Fuck BACK! Right now!”

Everyone jolted at that. Barry’s head reappeared around the door.  
“How’d you know-?” he started.

“Your curiosity. And your ability to find everything you shouldn’t eat that’s nearly on par with Maggies. Leave That Dough ALONE.” Taako replied turning back around. And saw that everyone had perked up at the mention of the word dough. Even the Captain. 

Taako had to put an arm outstretched to restrain Magnus who was about to jump sofa and rush in. 

“Don’t even think about it, dipshits.” He said glaring at them all. (Barry ducks back in the galley to avoid it.) “It’s bread dough, not cookie dough.” 

And if faced with a chorus of:  
“Aww!”  
“Daaaang.”  
“Way to kill the mood up, brother.”

“ : ( ”  
“Wait how the fuck did you say that aloud?”  
“What? :o “  
“That!”  
“Yeah, how are you doing that? This is a verbal conversation.” 

“Got my hopes up for nothing.” Davenport grumbled, ignoring them and returned to his paper.

“You can’t eat raw bread dough Dav.” Taako said. “I mean you can? And you won’t die? But I won’t allow it.”

“Though Bread dough wouldn’t be the worst thing Barry and Mags have eaten.” Lucretia pointed out.  
“Yeah but in the name of science! Taako’s rights, Bread dough is gross.” Magnus said.  
“Thank you. See?” Taako said. Then thought about it. “ ...Wait no hold on a second Bucko. You once ate a live slug because Merle dared yah to!”  
“Hey, it wasn’t poisonous.” Magnus shrugged.  
“but better then my dough? Ingrates. The lot of you.” Taako sniffed.

“Boo, you whore.” Lup replied.  
“Captain, she called me a whore!”  
“Ms Lup,” The Captain warned in his captainy voice, not looking up. “Don’t make Fantasy Mean Girls references at your brother.”

“Yeah, Luuup!” Taako mocks.  
Lup sticks her tongue out at her two hundred odd I’ve lost count at this point year old twin brother.  
He does the same right back at her. If they were alone it would dissolve into various elf centric Ear wiggling tail flicking signed insults. Which it does. But they are playing up for their audience too. So there were extra elements.  
For example, Lup calls Taako a Loser with finger and thumb in the shape of a L on her forehead.  
Taako replies with the full ‘Whatever minger, take a picture’ routine he learnt at Magnus’ rebound games.  
Lup pretends to reapply her lip balm but turns it into rude gesture from the mushroom kingdom.  
Taako does the two-fisted motion from fantasy FRIENDS.  
Lup fake Coughs and gives him the finger.  
Taako fake sneezes and gives her two fingers.  
Lup Borrows one of Lucretia’s hands momentarily to give him three fingers.  
Taako uses madge hand to give her four birds. And Calls her a wanker in sign.  
Lup also uses mage hand and calls him something worse. and mimes a jack off motion when- 

“Ahhem. Enough.” Davenport clears his throat. They both begrudging stop, and sulk.

“Heh… Dad-enport.” Magnus whispers. Loudly. Because Magnus can’t whisper.  
The captain lowered the paper to give Magnus a, (what Lucretia refers to in her journals as,) hard stare.  
“Like a cool Dad- nevermind.” Magnus started, and then is suddenly very interested in his needle work. “… Sooo. are we not going to address the verbal emoji sad face thing then?”

“What sad face thing?” Barry asked coming back in with a tray of the big big mugs and a tinnie for Magnus. But its forgotten about as drinks are handed about. Lup sits up to take hers. A bag of crisps is ripped open and put on the table, along with a sharing bag of jelly sweets from Plane fifteen. 

And a chocolate biscuit is popped into a still half-asleep Merle’s open mouth.  
“ M-! ’ou’re a doucfe B’rry.” He coughs around the mouth full of crumbs. He swings a lame duck of a punch at Barry’s shin and misses. “A Douce!”

“Call it revenge for having to hear you say the word ‘tooshie’.” Barry replied. Then stands, with coffee in one hand notebook in the other. as, (unless he takes a perch on the arm of a chair or also wants to sit on the floor,) there’s only the one seat left.  
On the sofa.  
Next to Lup…

It doesn’t help everyone (well everyone bar Lup) even Davenport from behind his paper are now watching and waiting for him to sit down. Taako and Magnus in sync move their elbows to occupy their sofa’s armrests. And Lucretia makes a point of scooting unnecessary further forward to let him walk past her to the unoccupied sofa half. There’s a moment of hesitation. But Barry bless him takes the hint and sits down on the sofa. 

Lup has missed the entire two second spectacle. She is still reading, levitating her book to read so she can have both hands curled around her coffee. But she does, as casual as you like, shift around in her seat, very subtly so she’s leaning a little against Barry, with her legs and tail tucked under her. Barry doesn’t act like this all that unusual and starts going through his notebook of calculations. despite his face going beet red. And that all the others still clearly watching.

Magnus almost gets the giggles. Taako waggles his eyebrows at this development. Lup glances at them using a tiny mage hand to give his braid and Magus’s nose a subtle but very warning tug. So Taako rolls his eyes at Lucy instead who also rolling her eyes smiles back. And shifts her pencil to her other hand because Barry’s leg is jittering her too much to draw with that side.

The jittering calms. It goes quiet again for a while. 

Some point Taako went to check on his dough. It hadn’t risen much (“Fucking weather and cool indoor temperature.”) but he puts it in the oven anyway and comes back. And found that Magnus has his legs up on the table blocking his path. Taako gives no shits and rather than stepping over them, stepped on Magnus’s legs, to step off on to the floor the other side. Then blinks from there, into his seat.  
“Dick.”  
“Prick.”

Merle grumbled something in his sleep and rolls over. He wakes up fills a few numbers in his suduko puzzle book. 

Davenport breaks the silence at another some point to read aloud from the paper. They are on page four again as nothing has changed for them to go back to be the top story. “Mysterious craft still here. Owners still seem nice says Pam, nearby resident.”  
The main headline today is something about the weather and that it might affect the state of the roads but then again probably won’t. There’s a chuckle, some comments. 

Barry burns a fifth level spell slot to summon a big old book to him from the lab; rather then move from his comfy spot.

Merle dozes off again. Sometimes its hard to tell when he is snoozing or meditating. You have to wait for the snores.

Satisfied with the pencil work, Lucretia shakily casts ‘shape water’ to fill a jam jar and gets out her water colours and palette. Once they are all neatly laid out how she likes, she begins painting.

Once he’s done the puzzle pages, Davenport tosses the paper over the arm of his chair and fetches a well-worn spell mechanics book from under his seat to read instead.

Lup flicks a cantrip around to keep their drinks warmed up. And finds a crisp that looks like something rude.

The afternoon glides slowly on. 

“Hey, you reckon is this a piece of sky or sea?” Taako asked holds it up. Everyone looks up (and wakes up in merles case,) to see.  
“Sky.” Say Magnus and Davenport.  
“Sea.” Vote Barry and Merle.  
“Point on the horizon where the sea meets sky?” Lucretia suggests.  
“Grass.” Lup said. And everyone goes back to their own thing.  
“Excellent. Great help folks thanks.” Taako said.  
“Your welcome.” Comes the reply. Times six. 

Then it’s quiet again for another while. Quiet, Bar Merles snoring. The rain outside. Brush strokes, The scratch of pencil rustle of pages. And Magnus…

Magnus had begun to fidget. Which isn’t a bad thing in itself. It’s just Magnus can be a bit of a dick if he’s bored. And it’s a very small space to be in with a bored magnus.

Magnus was supposed to be darning his Tesseralia Winners jacket. And has to be fair more or less finished three quarters of it. Sick of pricking his finger too, he puts it on and put aside the rest of his mending in a huff. He necks the last of his can. He watches Taako with his puzzle and starts interfering slash helping. Until he’s bored of that. 

Then he starts watching the rain. He gets bored of watching it from where he is sitting. So he gets up to look out the window for a bit watch it from a different angle. Breaths on the window an writes in the condensation. Pits raindrops against each other in tiny races.  
Then he walks around the back of the other sofa watching Lucy work and having a nosy at what the others were reading for another while. He learns too much on the back of the sofa to the point the cusions sag and Lup physically pushes his head out her light. 

Magnus takes the hint. He Sits back down in his seat, legs on the table. Yawns stretches and Reaches one arm around Taako’s back. Waits a moment then taps Taako on the other shoulder then pretend it wasn’t him. And again. Twice, till Taako ignores him. 

Magnus starts throwing sweets at Merle trying to get one in his mouth. he keeps missing. The holy man grumbles awake when one hits his nose and shuts his mouth. And closes his eyes again. Magnus throws one at barry instead. Then another. And a third. Barry doesn’t react even with it hitting him in the face.

Magnus changes target and throws a singular one at Lucretia. It falls short though, bounces off her canvas and lands in her lap. She pauses and slowly levels her own hard stare look at him. he meets her side eye with a “wasn’t me” shrug. but he doesn’t risk it again, even if she does pop the sweet in her mouth when he’s not looking and goes back to painting. he wisely decides not to risk throw sweets at Lup or anywhere in the Cap. So He starts throwing sweets in the air instead trying to catch them in his mouth, still mostly missing in his lap or right over his head on to the floor. on the floor. One gets stuck on the ceiling. 

He pretends it didn’t happen either and just sits. just Staring at the ceiling for a bit. Making weird noises and humming. Pouting. Tapping his feet, kicking the chair.  
All that stuff. Unaware the others have silently and all privately thinking he’s going to very loudly himself bored, or Tuesday boring in Three, twoo one.

“You alright there Maggie?” Merle asked innocently.  
“I’m boooored.” Magnus sighs. “This plane is so booooorrrinnng.”

Bingo.

“Only boring people get bored.” Merle said sagely. As if he himself hadn’t that morning said he was bored as hell.  
“You’re boring.” Magnus complained back.  
“Yah basic.” Barry, Luc, the twins, and holy shit even Davenport chorus.

“oh I’m Basic? Lucy you’re wearing a red robe like a snuglie,” Magnus points out. “and Taako’s dressed like a jumble sale.”  
“I’m dressed better than all of you.” Taako said. “It’s cold as shit my dude.”  
“I’m with Taako. It’s cold as shit.” Lucretia shrugs pulling the robe up to her neck. “But boring and basic is good sometimes.”  
“I like boring.” Lup agrees.  
“Yeah you do.” Taako said. He gets four stifled snorts and Lup glaring Daggers at him. Barry is somehow bless him none the wiser.

“go find a vehicle to show off your proficiency with? Or ask the neiabours if there’s a dog for you to go walk.” Merle suggests.

“or try and smuggle one on board and give the rest of us a laugh.” Taako agrees.  
“don’t encourage him. No dogs on-“ Davenport starts, knowing where this was heading.  
“On the star blaster.” Everyone choruses.  
“I can’t.” Magnus scowled.  
“Why not?” Captain asks.  
“its raining.” Taako interrupted.  
“So?”  
“It’ll smell like updog.” Taako says. But no one take the bait. Magnus gives it a moment then continues. 

“Besides no one has a dog. That and I haven’t seen any dogs on this plane.” Magnus said. “so it suuuucks.”  
“…wait what?” Dav asked lowering his book.  
“Planet suuuucks?”  
“No the bit before. You’ve seen no dogs or eqivent.”  
“That’s a point.” Barry frowns looking up from his notes. “I haven’t seen any either.”  
“none at all?”  
“really?”  
“anyone else seen any dogs?” Lup asked. “or cats that matter.”

No one had.

“We’ve seen what look to be some kind of cattle and farm animals. Maybe they don’t have the notion of pets here.” Lucretia said. She pulls this year’s journal out to double check but a quick skim of the few pages show no record. So she puts it way again. “Hmm. Didn’t think that would mean no dogs or equivalent of dogs though.”  
“Yeah, they’re working animals, right?” Merle said.  
“Not here. so there’s no dogs here on this dumb plane to smuggle on board or walk!” Magnus grumbled. He’s now gone form bored to sulking being remined one of his favourite things in the world doesn’t exist here. “No wonder this place is boring.”

“Maybe they’re still wolves on this planet?” Barry suggests.

“Yeah. Would make sense we wouldn’t see dogs I wolves haven’t been domesticated.” Lup agrees “And keeping away from the towns.” 

“huh…maybe go see if there’s any wolfs in the woods bud?” Taako said, elbowing Mags.  
“You could maybe find one of those?” Barry ventures. “or bears?”  
Magnus shrugs. But he’s gone quiet and you can see the cogs turning. 

“No bears on the StarBlaster either Mags, how many times.” Davenport said putting down his book. “Never mind a wolf!”

“He’s fought bears before.” Lup points out.  
“Big ones…” Taako agrees.  
“Yeah, fought them off at nightclubs.” Merle said. He held out to get his hand for High-five from Magnus that nearly flings him from the bean bag. 

Shaking the sting from his palm, Merle sat up and gestured to Lucretia’s open journal.  
“Hey, speaking of which, didn’t that cycle you got there have them big dogs?”  
“Big dogs?” Magnus frowns.  
“yeah you know The ones that fought bears.” Merle said. “Or was it another plane?”  
“there were Dogs that Fought Bears?! What!?” Magus yelled leaping to his feet. But was ignored.

“I think you’re right, Merle it was this one.” Lucretia said. And she flipped though the Cycle Eighteen journal till she found the chapter. Then realised, “Oh shit Merle, you remembered a thing!”  
“Shots!” the twins decreed. All took obligately swigs of hot drinks and key lime yogurt tasting drink. 

‘Cept Magnus. The boy is pissed.

“When did we go to a place with Giant Bear Fighting DOG?” he said.

“Cycle Eighteen. T’undërize? The plane with the twisty mountains and orange water. And all the people had four arms?” Lucretia said and hands him her open journal to see.  
“Hey I did not see bear fighting dogs there!” Magnus complains even as he flops back into his seat reading.

Under the title heading of Mountain Shepherd Hounds (giant big ass Dogs), are big giant bear fighting dogs. There’s a silhouette comparing their size to human elf dwarf and gnome. And brief description of them. a brief description how Davenport was honered by the head of one tribe and was allowed to ride a saddled one as his steed. Followed illustrations of fluffy faces from different angles, some paws. Plus a full page sketch that showed when one puppy on hind legs with its paws on a struggling Barry’s shoulders, the dog standing taller than he was.

“Those look so cool!” he wines. “I’m PRETTY SURE I would have remembered if there were GIANT DOGS there.”

“Yeah babe, but I think you’d already ... you know.” Lup starts.  
“Died again like a half a year before we got to that area of the plane?” Barry suggested.  
“I was trying to be tactful.”  
“oh. Sorry.”

“Okay then, why am I only just finding this out now?” Magnus pushes. And is met with Guilty looks all round. plus excuses galore.

“It never came up.”  
“Was I there? I think I was also dead by then.”  
“The next cycle started with a bit of a bang.”  
“I actually forgot.”  
“I didn’t want to tell you you’d missed out on giant dogs. And then I forgot.”  
“I was in Parley.” Merle said.  
“No you weren’t.” Davenport corrects.  
“No I wasn’t.” Merle nodded, then said, “hey where’d all these sweets come from?”

But Magnus is already ignoring them and is pouring over the description of these creatures. He’s actually quiet for a minute and a half. 

Taako gestured to the abandoned canvas. “Is that what you’re painting, Lu-lu-mark Two? A giant dog?”  
“Lucrica, dear, You know you can jinx him for that nick name?” Lup interrupts, scowling at her brother.  
“I know.” Lu-lu mark two said.

“Hmm. I loved the colours you have going on the book but What even is it?” Lup frowns.

“Not the mountain hounds, I’m afraid.” Lucretia said and obliges turning around to show the picture for them to see. (it’s a testament to her confidence as an artist to show them. A far cry from year four where she almost fell of the ships bow trying to hide her personal sketch book.) Against the base colours of greenery, a four eyed gazelle like creature with gnarly antlers was taking shape; the beginnings of its blue calf behind it. “I thought it’d look nice in the hall and-… aw beans.”

Magnus is defiantly pouting now. At her. With a frigging lip wobble. And had been as soon as she said “Not the mountain hounds”.

“No. Stop it. Magnus come on! that’s so not fair.”  
“Lucretia you monster.” Davenport mocks. “How can you say no to that face?”  
“I can’t. this is going to be a guilt trip isn’t it?” Lucrietia sighed.

“Look at those puppy eyes!” Barry remarked. “And he says he’s not a softy.”  
“Hey I am not!” Magnus snaps.  
“It’s like you kicked the defiantly big tough dog.” Taako grinned, giving him a shove. “Use your words you big baby!”  
“Yes Magnus,” Lucretia teases. “Are you asking me to please paint you some bear sized dogs or nah?”  
“Yeah!” He grins suddenly a lot more cheerful. “Not right now I mean but yeah could you paint me a big dog to go in my room sometime?”  
“…Yes I suppose.”  
“YES!”  
“Welp that’s Mag’s candle nights surprise busted.” Merle laughs as Magnus bounces about in a victory dance. “Wait, how come he doesn’t have to bribe you with cookies for art?”  
“Or saying please for that matter?” Lup scowls.  
“Favouritism.” Lucretia deadpans.  
“Rude.”  
“Hey Mags! Lean closer she could paint your face up like a dog right now.” Barry teased, rescuing the journal.

“Last time you guys did that to Magnus’s face with Lucretia’s paints while he was sleeping, he had a sad clown face for three months.” Davenport remembers, ever the voice of reason.  
“Only because they used oils and gesso.” Lucretia points out.  
“you say that like it’s a bad thing Capti’n.” Lup grinned. “hey Taako, Polymorth him! Then he can be a dog.”  
“absolutely not.” Davenport before taako can fully get his wand out. Magnus absloutly tries puppy eye routine again. It doesn’t work on Captain Davenport. “No.”  
“knowing our luck bud You’d stay that way, and then we would stuck looking after you.” Taako said, pocketing his wand anagin. “not to meantion doing your jobs on the ship for you.”

“he’s right.” Merle nodded sagely. “Magnus would be a bear sized dog for three months if we let him.”  
“or You would rather,” Barry asked. “be a dog sized bear?”  
“ah what is a bear but a big dog.” Magnus counters As he had many a time.  
“what is a dog but a small bear.” Lup countered back. Magus is qenulie stunned by this.

“Mags?” taako asked. And waves his hand in frount of the humans face. “…Shit you broke Maggie sis.”  
“that or your suggestion of poly-dogging him.”

“I would. I totally would. Best of both worlds.” Magnus laughed, flopping back on his seat so heavily it launches Taako airborne for a moment. “And no chores!”  
“furry.” Taako sneered.  
“No I’d just make a great guard dog.” Magnus insisted, flexing and barring his teeth. “big and viscous-!”  
“Puh-lease!” Lup said. “Mags, you’re a Teddy Bear.”  
“I am not!” Magnus scoffed. but the others are now laughing at him.  
“You are.”  
“the softest of bears.”  
“Baby of the bunch.”  
“Baby bear.”  
“Big baby boy.”  
“Big soft galoot.” Lucy hummed. “Especially where kids and small animals are concerned.”  
“so? That doesn’t make guard dogs any less protectors or good at their jobs!” He argued. “I would be one of them bear sized dogs!”  
“again, Furry.” Taako repeated.  
“Furry.” Lup agreed.

“Hey! Well if I’m a bear hunting Sheppard hound you two would be short Borzois.” Magnus said jabbing a finger at them both. “or corgis on stilts!”  
“Rude.” Lup huffed. “…I think?”  
“yeah. I don’t know dog breeds, mate, so you’ll have described what those are.” Taako said.  
“Corgi’s are little tubby fluff balls.” Lucretia explained. “with big ears, I know that much.”

There’s a dramatic pause. then, the twins shrieked making everyone jump.  
“What?!”  
“wow. So Mags you picked us dogs that are just ‘big ears’?”  
“no-!” Magnus tried but was cut off.

“Why would we be both be corgis?”  
“regardless of personalities?”  
“Is it because we’re elves?” Taako said with a most heart broken expression.  
“That’s so race-ist.” Lup said, hurt.

This might have had more impact if the pair didn’t use this stick at some point at least three times a year. Normally over the washing up.

“Are you done?” davenport asked after another half minute.

“No, I am not.” Taako snaps sitting up and punches Magnus on the arm. It was like a gnat against a rhino.  
“seriously Why would we be both be corgis?”  
Magnus shoves him back. “why wouldn’t you be?”  
“why would we be the same?” Lup complained.  
“You kinda would.” Barry agrees.  
“Barry you traitor.” The twins say in creepy unison.  
“ ‘Cos you’re siblings!” he argued. Magnus agreed.

Merle didn’t. “just because they’re twins doesn’t they’d would be the same type of dog.”  
“As twins You would be the same litter of puppies.” Lucretia pointed out.  
“Yeah in RELATIVITY.” Taako said drawing out the word. “but Magnus’s was based on personality as well as physical traits.”  
“so we wouldn’t HAVE to both be the same dog.” Lup agreed.

Everyone conceded that was a fair point.  
“why corgis? Bar the big ears.” Lup asked.  
“loveable adorable bastards? ” Magnus said.  
“aww.”

“Okay So Corgi, chubby little ear balls.-“ Taako started.  
“phrasing.” Merle cut in.  
“Shut it.” Taako said. “and what was the other?”  
“Borzois.” Magnus replied.  
“Again, I don’t know dog breeds you’ll have describe what the fuck that is.” Taako said.  
“those weird grey hound things with long hair.” Magnus explained. With a pointed look at Lup and the fluffy hip length. Even with the rebellious under-cut she’s sporting on the one side this year, Lup’s hair makes up a good forty percent of her silhouette.  
“wait a minute you said a short Borzois earlier. A short werid grey hound? First the ears. Now you’re attacking my height?”  
“Well Natch.“ Taako pointed out. “he also said weird.”  
Lup threw a cushion at him.  
“short refers to the hair type.” Magnus explained. To a lot of blank faces. “like their fur, and what climate their suited too?”

“pffft. Whatever. Fine. I’m the werid greyhound one. sounds about right.” Lup sighed dramatically.  
“So is Taako a corgi?” Barry frowns.  
“What do they even look like?” Taako asked. Luc took a routh scrap of paper and did a rough sketch of one. Taako wasn’t impressed. 

“Loveable bastard or not, corgi doesn’t strike me as very Taako.” Said Taako. “and I can’t say I’m argo keen on the bozo one either.”  
“you’re too grumpy and fancy for a corgi.” Magnus agreed.  
“aw fuck yeah, I’m fancy!”  
“Poodles are in the similar family to Borzois.” Magnus hummed. “They’re fancy but were originally working dogs. Pretty firce and crafty. But chill too.”  
“And you do wear bows on your tail already.” Lucrecia said holding up the paper. Next to the corgi sketch she’d doodled a poodle. It’s wearing a wizard’s hat, a wand in its mouth and a bow on its pompom tail. Taako gleefully snatched it out her hand and immediately ran to the notice board to pin it up.  
“Then I vote that Taako is a poodle.” Lup said. “if they’re grumpy and fancy then they are perfect for Taako.”  
“Bitch.” Taako said sitting back down. with no real malice. but he does flick a jigsaw piece at her.  
“Oi! That’s already down eight pieces.” Merle scolded.  
“yeah don’t lose another one poodle boy.” Lup teased.  
“hey I did not agree to be called poodle boy. That is just homophobic.”  
“if he makes noodles for dinner he’d be a noodle making poodle.” Davenport hummed.  
“Hey!”  
“he’s cooking for seven right?” Magnus asked Lucretia. Taako cuts them a ‘watch it’ glare. But is ignored.  
“He is.” Lucretia surmised. “So A poodle making oodles of noodles?”  
“Watch this poodle put absolutely no seasoning in any of you oodles of noodles.” Taako complained as Merle low fived her.

“That’s what she said!”

There’s a pause. Then,  
“What?”  
“…Barry?”  
“Barry what?”

“Barry…Barold. Barry look at me.” Taako grins leaning forward. “In no way, on any plane, does that work.”  
“I know. I knew as soon as I said it. Clearly I rolled a two on that one.” Barry sighed. It’s very embarrassing. They’re all looking at him. No worse considering him.

“Seeing as he made himself centre of attention.” Lup said turning to face him. “what dog would you be, Bluejeans?”  
“I dunno.” Barry fumbles.  
“He’s Too chill to be corgi, but too young be to be a blood hound. “ said magnus very seriously.  
“dog breeds.” Merle complains.  
“character voices.” Taako huffed.  
“I reckon he’d be a working dog of some sort.” Magnus said, putting more thought to into this then he does most of his actions.  
“what kind? I mean I kinda multi class.” Barry said rubbing the back of his neck.  
“Someone has too.”  
“Isn’t there a type of dog called a labrodour?” Davenport asked. Magnus nodded. “I belive their used for a varity of jobs. so that’s kind of multi classing.”  
“that tracks.” Taako agreed.  
Magnus nodded again. “and it’s got lab in its name, that’s where he is like eighty per cent of the time.”

“cool? I guess? So my mutt sona is chilled out Lab Then?” Barry said  
“Please don’t ever say mutt-sona aloud again.” Lucretia frowned. “I am not writing that down.”  
“fine.” Barry says. He then winks at Lup with his elbow (who blushed). and he gestured at Lucretia to the group. “I reckon Lucy would be a cat though. What do you think guys?”  
“would i?” Lucretia asked, eyebrow raised.  
“she would.” Magnus agreed. So did the others. And then Pointing to them each in turn. “okay so far: me- bear fighting dog. Lup a Borzois. Tee, poodle. Barry is a Lab. and Luc, a cat. Cool so far?”  
The others agree. Lup leant over Barry (who blushed) to ruffle and fluff the younger woman’s hair and coos “ ‘Cretia the cat.”  
“what kind of cat?” Barry asked. Magnus looked at him blankly.  
“there’s different kind of cats?”  
“Er, yeah?”

“But… cat’s arn’t dogs.” Lucretia frowned, a bit bemused despite the scalp scritches. “I thought this was a dog talk.”  
“Now that he’s said it way, I can’t see you as a dog.” Magnus said. “You are very much a cat person.”  
“Not strictly speaking. I like dogs too.” Lucretia shrugged. “Taako’s more a cat person then I am, aren’t you?”  
“Taako’s a cat person who got a dogsona.” Taako grinned. A shit eating grin. “Besides homeslice, for someone who likes dogs you got real mad when he brought that golden retiver home.” 

“I like dogs.” Lucretia replied tartly. “what I don’t like is waking up to a ‘golden retiver’ with air quotations being smuggled in through my window and jumping on my bed at six am!”  
“That was one time. On one year!” Magnus said.  
“When was this? Magnus why were you shoving a monster into the girls room?” Davenport frowned.  
“I thought it was my window!” Magus said. And received another one of the captains hard stares. “I said I was sorry!”  
“I thought we were keeping this a secret?” Barry frowned.  
“So did I.” Magnus sluked. “It was still only a puppy, Creesh.”  
“Still not what I want to wake up too ever again.”  
“It wasn’t that big, he just wanted to play!”  
“Not that big? Magnus, the thing had tusks?!”  
“yeah. And it had six legs and horns, dude.” Lup complained. “That was defiantly not a dog, no matter what the locals called it.”  
“I don’t know how you slept through the racket Dav.” Merle agreed. “so much yelling and screaming!”  
“You’d have been yelling if you’d had that as an alarm clock.” Lucretia grumbled.  
“Screaming sure. But we did find you on Top Of The Fridge trying to avoid that thing.” Merle remined her.

“It was big and loud. It woke me up and chased me. I thought it was going to eat me!” Lucretia huffed. Then shrugged. “Actually, when I say that aloud. Touché, yeah alright I’d be a cat.”  
“tomato.” Merle corrected.  
“potato.” She agreed.

“It is Touché.” Barry frowned. “Pack it in you two.”  
“Lucretia my dear,” Lup said in her scary voice tipping Lucretia’s head back to look at her. “Please don’t enable the old man any further. Again.”

“I can’t make any promises.” Lucretia said, in a very haughty voice. but ended up giggling at the end and grinning up at Lup.  
“old man? FruitLoops you’re older then me!” Merle splutters.  
“how dare you? we’re baby.” Taako mocked. Least, he might have been mocking.  
“No Magnus is baby.” Barry grinned.  
“Fuck off Barold I am big tough Bear Dog!”  
“Furry!” Merle and Taako jeer.  
“Still Baby.” Barry insists.  
“Big baby dog.” Lup confirmed.  
“You’re still old!” Magnus shot back  
“Not as old as Merle and I.” Davenport points out.  
Merle shrugged. “yeah toshie-“  
“Nope!”  
“What?”

“Its touché. Not touchy touch this potato or tomatoe.”  
“Didn’t realise you all hated tomatoes so much.” Lucretia said quietly. 

Then realises to her horror her mistake as Merle starts laughing his ass off. Cries “Lucretiaaa!” came from all corners. Followed by louder complaits of “Merle!”  
“Don’t!”  
“Oh I love tomatoes-!” Merle started, in a voice his thought as his most sexy and seductive.  
“Captain tell him!” Barry stressed.  
“Don’t even-“ Davenport warns. but too late. Merle has launched into a spiel about velvety leaves, and vines and tender green shoots.  
““I have to cook with those!” Taako yelled.  
NOPE.” Magus yelped clamping his hands over his ears. “LA LA LAAL ACAN’T HEAR THIS!”  
“I’ve a few growing in the sundeck. I just love to watch them unfurling and ripening.”  
“ew!”  
“shut up old man!”

Lup swiped at Lucretia’s shoulder with paper back and papers and cushions whatever she could reach.  
“I did not set him up for that!” Luc protested swatting her back.  
“you so did!”  
“Did not!”  
“bad kitty-!”

“I have to say I really love the garden Varity.”  
“Merle shut up!”  
“Did too!”  
“Who doesn’t love a little Solanum lycopersicum?”  
“I don’t!”  
“so help me I will put poision in your salad!”  
“Make him stop!”  
“The girls are fighting!”  
“Heat and Peat and that’s all you need baby.”  
“LA LA LA NOT LISTENING!”  
“that sweet sweet green green-“

“ENOUGH!” Captain snapped in a big big voice. Davenport is stood up on his chair, moustache bristling ears back and his tail flicking. The twins’ too. Every one shuts up. Even Luc and Lup pause mid squabble. And Merle thank fuck stops his dirty dirty plant talk. Doesn’t wipe away the look on his face though. 

“if you say so.” Merle chuckled, dirtily. he had a false as hell innocent smile plastered on his face despite six people glaring daggers at him at him. Taako is squashed on the sofa behind Magus where the big lad had scooted as far as could to physically put some distance from the dwarf. Lup had Pulled Lucretia up onto the sofa. but Lucretia had pushed back and twisted about so Lup and Barry are smooshed on the far end of two seater. A Barry who’s looking as traumatized as Magnus, and also trying to put so distance. It’s a very squashed Lup sandwedge.

Its Taako who breaks the silence.  
“say, what dog would Merle be, big fella?” he asks elbowing the fighter off him.  
“WHAT?”  
“Ow uncover your ears dipshit. don’t yell! I’m like right here, I said ‘what breed of dog is Merle?’”

“No one can tell the breed it’s just feral.” Davenport scowled.  
“A old good for nothing one.” Magnus spat, letting go of his ears and still scowling at the dwarf. “The sort that digs up gardens and humps your shoes.”  
“And gets in to all your snacks.” Barry grumbles.  
“And smells like it’s rolled in something DEAD.” Lup adds.  
“Oh the kind that always got sticks and twigs in its fur?” Lucretia chimed in. It’s somewhat muffled by Lup’s arm.  
“Yeah that kind. it’s actually got some white fur underneath all the mud and dirt.” Taako agrees. “No one realises it ‘cos its so crunchy.”  
“ha ha a-ha.” Merle said, forcing him self up of the bean bag to rob one of Barry’s crisps. “the sort that’s not gonna be Magnus’ best friend and heal him, if he carries on.”  
“would mean you actually have to heal someone in the first place for a change.” Magnus said.  
“I would if you’d stop rushing in.” the dwarf shot back.  
“never!“ Magnus grins. Then considering something for a moment “hmm, actually breed wise border collies? I was gonna say a pug. but Collies are farm dogs and they’re kinda crunchy but they’re good herding flocks and very calm.”  
“good that’s settled then. Now get your arse off my calves before you crush me!” Taako complained, thumping magnus on the shoulder.

“So I’m a collie?” Merle said as Magnus does as he’s told.  
“Looks like it.”

“Well I’m glad that’s decided.” Davenport huffed, sitting back down and starts reading like it’s the most natural thing in the world to do. He has his book and peace and quiet for two point five milli seconds. Then realised everyone is staring at him. “What?”  
“well,” Lutetia started, a little hesitantly. “we’ve all said or been told what dog we’d be. Or cat in my case.”  
“Yeah captain. get on this fantasy buzzfeed quiz.” Taako encouraged.  
Magnus agreed. “Any idea’s what you’d be? I know lots of breeds otherwise.”  
“I would say that I…” The captain started. “…I am clearly the poor sap of a handler holding the leads.”  
“Boooo.” Lup and Taako say. Lup is still squashed between the two humans. She’s has Luc like a teddy bear. Or better, a human shield against Merle lest he start and more sexy plant talk, while practically sat on Barry’s lap. Neither seem to mind.

“Come on Dav.” Merle says. “Gotta have a complete set.”  
“Pack.” Lucretia corrected.  
“Set, Pack Touc-“ Merle said.  
“DON’T!” Barry and Lup cut in.  
“Jinx!” Lucretia says then dissolves into a fit of the giggles. Though that might just be the way Lup jostled her. 

“Come one then Mags,” Barry says. “Bring on the dog trivia.”

“Capenport… no wait Capendogort-“  
“I don’t agree to that.” Davenport complained but was ignored.  
“Cap would be….” Magnus says thinking very hard. Ignoring the warning look over the top of the paper from the gnome, his tail flicking dangerously. And a shit eating grin from the twins. “a Terrier. Small. A bit barky. But they are super focused. And have Great facial hair.”

There’s a pause. Then Davenport huffs an affirmative, clearly had been expecting something worse. And his moustache twitches indicating of a smol smile.

“Great! So CapenPort’s CapenDog is a terrier. Cresh is our ship’s cat, Twins are a Poodle and a Borzois. Cruncy collie for Merle. Barry is a Labrador and I’m the big bear hunting dog.” Magnus said getting to his feet. And finished with a clap of his hands. “so. If we find dogs on this planet, Can we get a dog?”  
Theres a beat. Then absolute annoyance, laughter and shrieking break out.  
“oh for crying out – No dogs on the Ship.” Davenport Complained.  
“How-! how did we go from psychoanalysing what dogs we’d be to another smuggle one ship.” Barry laughs.  
“It was my plan all along!” Taako says, in his best worst magnus impression.  
“im going to get a dog one day.” Magnus said. “or a bear, or a wolf, or a monkey-!”  
“you’re not keeping it in my room!” Lucretia insists. 

“we don’t need a dog now,” Merle grins. “Magnus is totally a bear dog now, remember?”  
“Polymorth him!” Lup agreed  
“Taako No!” Captain said.  
“Taako yes!” Magnus grinned bouncing in his seat.  
“Don’t need to, he’s already a furry.” Taako said. “Watch this. Hey magnus my dude , sit! Speak!”  
Magnus sat, well knelt on the floor as commaned, opened his mouth and barked.  
“Shit he even knows commands!” Merle laughed. And grabbed another crisp. “Hey want a treat boy?”  
“Should dogs even have crisps?” Lucretia asked as Magnus begged, gave paw and even let merle balance the crisp on hirsnose, waited waited then flicked his head and tried to catch it in his mouth.  
“Good Boy!”  
“what the fuck you guys?” Lup asked laughing. Magnus just barked louder and jumped up against the already overcrowded sofa. The girls shrieked and giggled. Barry laughed and Swatted him off with a cushion.  
“watch it Burnsides!”  
“hey! Don’t hit dogs!” Merle mock scolded. “that’s Magnus abuse that is.”  
“Yeah!” Magnus agreed, bounding up again on Barry.  
“He shouldn’t jump on the furniture then. Bad dog!” Davenport said. There was a flicker of magic and a clear vets cone around magnus neck. “Cone of shame!”  
“Nooo!” Magnus cried. “Not the cone of shame! I do not like the cone of shame!”  
He started shaking his head back and forth trying to get it off. Even going as far as to try and bat it off.  
“Can he chase his tail?” Merle egged. “Taako show him how to chase his tail!”  
Taako did so, causing hysterics.  
“Hey hey magnus!” he then grinned Conjuering up a ball of light in his hand and yeeting across the space. “fetch!”  
“race you!” Magnus grinned and bounded after it. Merle scuttled after him with an yap.

Needless to say, the joke quickly descended in to mayhem that only taako magnus and merle can cause. Mostly because two of the three start  
Jumping over the furnatiure On all fours. And Magnus is a big Boy to be jumping on anything. The Jigsaw is scattered, the table over tips. 

Lup cackles wriggling out from her seat leaping on Magnus’s back  
“Look at me, I can ride the Bear dog!”  
Magnus Grinned even broader, swinging her around howling and barking. The others try and get out the way. Most managed. Davenport scrambles up and over the back of his chair. Lucretia shots off behind a sofa, her new painting in tow to protect it, while Barry leaps over the back of the sofa. Well. Barry got up on to the back of the sofa, then fell back on the sofa with an ‘Oof’. 

“Fuck it. Lab incoming!” He yelled before standing back up and tackling Taako around the legs, almost bringing them both crashing in to Lup and Mags.

“Ooooh captain! Here Boy!” Merle laughed bounding at the arm chair Like a dog might bark at a squiel up a tree. Given the way the captain was crouched on the wing back, it wasn’t a far off annolgy.  
“Back off!” Captain yelped, as the chair toppled backward. Dav parkoured off as it fell and bounced off the sofa and went rolling under the table trying to dodge Merle. Narrowly Avoiding being squashed as Magnus chucks Lup on the bean bag that somehow don’t bust with the force. He does not however avoid getting flipped over and his hair mussed up by Taako’s mage hand.  
“Don’t you dare!” captain said. then relents and joins in, even throwing in some illusions of balls and squeaky toys at Magnus. “Here, Fetch that!”

“You’re all nuts. Barking even!” Lucretia quipped in an ooie gooy gravitas tone, standing up above it all. She had just pulled out this year’s journal again to record this as it happens. Only to get tackled by Lup on her back with a yowl and tickly fingers, back into cushions.  
After that all bets were off. The whole thing just became a chaotic aliened bunch of shenigans. Including but not limited too: Chasing Tickle fights, pillow fights, and just plan jumping on Magnus fight. And all the while yelling things like,  
“Au GUARD!”  
“TOUCHÉ!”  
“Bitch!”  
“that’s Miss bitch to you!”  
“Magnus put him DOWN!”  
“Dogs should vote!”  
“Yeah!”  
“And have swords!”  
“No!”  
“Did you just fucking lick me?!”  
“Psst Psst Psst!”  
“Fetch this!”  
“WOOF!”  
“Magnus put ME down!”  
“Hiss!”  
“Stop trying to make fetch happen!”  
“Alf!”  
“Here Kitty Kitty!”  
“Bad dog!”

Round and around iyt went. Until exhausted they almost as one, collapsed in pile, panting and laughing. Or more accurately, piled on Magnus who’d sprawled out on the floor and the scattered scatter cushions. Magnus always made the best pillow anyway, they agree. With Barry coming a close second. Magnus just laughed harder scooping up his friends into a friend zone floor hug. It was almost a cuddle pile really, in that overly familiar a person can be with six other goofballs, even Taako.  
And like all cuddles, it’s all well and good. Until someone had to go to the bathroom and someone else’s foot went to sleep. And you realise hard floors still aren’t any easier on the neck, no matter how quesi-immortal you are. 

Stiff and still giddy, they clambered to their feet, and set to work righting the furniture.  
Lup helped Barry up. No one mentioned the hand lingering, though several pointed looks were exchanged, and eyebrows waggled as Barry straightened his glasses.  
Magnus ‘helped’ Taako and Lucretia up. One over each shoulder. And Then didn’t set them down. Instead he tried to ‘help’ Merle up too and all four nearly fell back in a heap. With several huffy words exchanged Magnus put them down, gently. Then lifted sofas while the others swiped underneath for things like books, notes, crisps and Lucretia’s brushes. Davenport cast locate object a few times to find lost puzzle pieces. Lucretia practiced her Prestidigitation to mop up any spilt paint water and got a double mage hand thumbs up from the twins for the effort.

The dining table was ignored, and the bean bag dragged closer as Taako with Merle’s help sets out a pickie meal on the coffee table. Afternoon began to turn into evening. And for the rest of that Sunday on Tuesday the IRPE crew set Pack was spent much in the way they had been spending their time so far today; reading, painting, goofing around, napping. Only now with more picking up puzzle pieces, eating fresh bread and making increasing bad dog jokes. 

Even if there are no Dogs on Tuesday.


	2. Okay, Some Dogs on the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime in the fatasy future...In which Angus holds a Fantasy Zoom chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said It was only a 2 parted but I've split this second one for my own sanity. I keep adding to it rather then finish writing the ending. 
> 
> rated for swaering and some crude humour. Enjoy!

In which Angus holds a Fantasy Zoom chat

“Sir? Is something wrong?”

It is a really quiet Tuesday afternoon at Hammer and Tails, around three months after the last ‘boy’s weekend’ adventure away. It’s dreary as fuck outside, which had scuppered plans of taking all the dogs out for regular training. A very nearly Thirteen year old Angus mcdonald is on a half term break from school. Or a ‘day release’ from ‘the second-rate school’ as Takko puts it. 

And this week, he’s in Ravens Roost with Magnus. 

It’s been real fun so far. If very furry and wet-dog smelling fun. It’s jumper weather, although it’s also warm and wet so he and Magnus are rocking the shorts and wellies combo too. Raincoats too when he’s and Magus has taken some of the hardier dogs out for walkies, but most have had to exercise in the yard and on the dog friendly tread mills that Avi designed and engineered with Magnus inside. 

Now it’s the afternoon feeding time and they’re going along the row of pens refilling bowls of kibble, meat and water. Johann the Dog trots obediently behind them carrying an extra bag of kibble in his maw. It’s a well-rehearsed routine of “Sit wait waaaait…” then good boy slash girl slash puppy slash doggo. 

Until the Magnus sees that that the last bunch of pens are empty. All dogs are accounted for so they must be around somewhere. 

They haven’t gone very far at all. Magnus and Angus found the missing dogs in what’s affectionally known as the playroom. It’s another pen really, but with a big soft play and dog assault coarse. As well as lots of cushions, a window to watch the dogs inside from, and dog flap from the yard so the pups could come and go in and out as they pleased.

The missing dogs are in there, all quite content, crashed out. Plus, one extra and very welcome visitor. 

And while it’s not an unusual scene to see a bunch of dogs in a- well, a dogpile, Magnus freezes at the window. Like he’s seen…a ghost wouldn’t be the right word. But he sees something Angus doesn’t.

Magnus breaths out, “No fucking way.”

And still doesn’t move. Just looks.

“Sir? Is something wrong?” Angus pipes up after a few moments.

“No. No it just- heh.” Magnus smiles and shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. Nothing’s wrong, it er it just reminded me of something, you know.”

Angus nods. They get like this, sometimes. The seven birds, and tres honry boys. A memory or a moment... Things are better now but still. 

Johann the Dog puts the bag of food down and paws it then nudges Angus’s hand. Angus takes the hint.

“Shouldn’t we wake them?” Angus asked, giving Magnus a gentle poke in the arm. “Magnus? To feed them?”

“Huh? Oh Yeah, yeah…” Magnus starts.

Then stops again at the door. “Wait a sec- Ango, do you still got the weird stone of far speech nerd lord gave you? Like on you, right now?”

“My smartstone, Sir? Sure.” Angus said and fished the prototype out of his pocket, lanyard and all. 

The prototype mark three smartstone of Further Speech and Vision TM is the latest in Miller Tech’s dip into developing better Stones of Far Speech. A combination of magic new and ancient, off-world tech and latest discoveries in research, it promises SUPIOR coverage with exclusive features of semi-precious transmuted gemstone screen, rune recognition and belt clip. Plus some other jargon Angus doesn’t understand. But it promises to be amazing.

Or at least it will do. One day.

It still needed a lot of work tweaks before it became available to the public of Faerun. The smartstone runs out of magic and juice quickly, burning up enough to require its own long rest every other day. There’s only space for half as many frequencies a regular stone does. Speaking of regular stones, Angus finds he still ends up having to use his own Stone to speak a lot of the time. The signal is not as strong outside of campus despite the promise of coverage. Heck, it gets crunchy if he’s not near a window. And it doesn’t work when he’s stood on the Moon. Like, at all. (Angus is still investigating whether that’s a design failure; or Lucas deliberately being low key petty towards the Bureau of Benevolence!)

But it has other cool things like a panic button, playing music, projecting images and moving pictures to Stones of Far Speech, as well as receiving them from other smartstones TM. And best of all it has the ability to set up group stone-chats. He likes that. Ones where you can see each other too, thanks to a shriving charm built into the stone. While took some getting used too, that feature has been pretty cool. 

Plus as far as Miller Robotics go, it hasn’t attacked or paralysed him yet. So it’s one of Lucas’s best creations.

Angus has a feeling he’s only been lent such a valuable item so Lucas can see if and how Magnus, Merle and Taako proof this prototype is. 

“Also, you know you’ll have to stop calling Lucas a ‘Nerd Lord’ eventually right?” Angus pointed out to Magnus. “Especially for parent and guardian evenings. He is my headmaster after all.”

“Nope. He’s Nerd Lord for life. Or Dickhead Human-man to Merle. And if Taako was here he would say ‘absolutely not’ too.” Magnus grins and points at the puppy pile. “But anyway, can you get a picture of that for me. And send it to the others when you get a chance?”

Angus takes the picture, fiddling about trying to fit the dogs all in one snap. One doggo, Lady, raised its head to the noise, which made one picture blurry. She blinked at them. Then licked the dog next to her on the nose and settled back down into the snuggle. But Angus got a few good shots of the scene. Plus a few goofy ones of Magnus posing in front of them, and a selfie of himself with the big guy, Johann and the other dogs.

And then he didn’t think about it again for a while. There was a shaking of kibble. Suddenly all pups were up and ready for their dinner. (Except one not-pup who shot off somewhere to hide.) And then it was back to the hard work of helping out at the dog school. Besides, since learning about the smart stone Magnus was always pestering him to take puppy pictures. Or send him pictures of any dogs Angus saw when back in Neverwinter. So again it wasn’t exactly unusual.

Once that was over and they’d finished for the afternoon, Angus sat down in the house that Magnus built to do some of his homework. Johann the Dog shuffled in behind him and curled up at his feet. And promptly fell asleep.

That reminded Angus to send the picture like Magnus had asked him to. It took a bit of time to cycle though all the options (Miller Tech!). But eventually he added the runes to the chat and his stone pinged with the message;

_To: The Taakomister, Kravitz, Madam Lucretia (Personal), Lup, Barry Bluej. , Lup And Barry (Joint stone), Capt. Davenport, Magnus (New Stone 3) , The highchurches (Home)_

_‘Boy Detective’ sent File- Dog Pile 5_

_  
Hey everyone, this is from Magnus obviously. Another dog photo very cute. Love you, signed Angus. : - )_

_Sent from Miller’s Smartstone of Further Speech and Vision TM. Powered by Hodge Podge3 AI. Hodgepodge, a Better Smarter Future._

“I really need to get rid of that tag.” Angus thought aloud as he set the stone down. He got his books aliened and gave Johann a scratch. He picked up his pen and had his notes neatly ready to start. 

A minute later, his stone was blowing up. 

Not literally. Although it certainly sounded like it by it almost vibrating table with alerts and a cacophony of noises. And it wouldn’t be the first time a Lucus Prototype had blown up on him. Angus’ first instinct was to duck under the table. It’s only when he fumbled to pick the stone back did Angus lower the volume enough to be able to pick out every individual Soft gasp loud gasp and shrieking and talking over each other. A bubble appeared and Angus realised he’d accidently set up a video chat, which is why it’s so loud. Right-side up, the SmartStone projects the bubble up, filling the space up and bathing the room in soft blues and pink light showing him his families reactions.

“Oh, wow! Good going lil dude.” Taako grinned giving him a double thumbs up.

“Okay This? This is adorable.” Lucretia said.

“Ohhh my bird MOM!” Lup was yelling repeatedly. “Look at it! LOOK AT IT!”

“Wh-what? It’s- wow it’s a Crew Cuddle pile!” Davenport laughing down the line. He’s holding his stone at arms length. Angus can see the blue horizon and hear seagulls in the background.

“Hello everyone!” Angus beamed and has to fiddle with the options so he can see everyone at once, rather then it jump around from one person to another. “I didn’t mean to disturb you all I was just trying to send the picture.”

“It’s cool pumpkin. I guess you can say… it’s Naptime Bitches!” Taako quips.

“Verbal and video high five, ‘ko!” His sister replies. They both waved their hands at their screen in a vague complicated high five gesture.

“Angus, Magnus, did you set this up?” Lucretia asked, her voice wavering a tad. And not just from the call quality. (She’s out on the moonbase quad and doing that thing where prop her stone up on a picnic table against something, but it kept sliding slowly down.)

“Nope!” Magnus grinned over Angus’s shoulder, making Angus jump.  
The stone had been so loud he’d somehow missed Magnus of all people Thundering down the hall to come join him.

“Sir! Please don’t use two stones together in one room like this it’ll echo.” Angus admonished, already made nauseous by the ringing noise and onot quite reflection of himself and Magnus from a different angle to of his own eyes.

“Oh right sorry bud.” Magnus says, putting his own on mute, and shoving it in his pocket. Then leant over again to holla into Angus’s stone. Even though it’s right there. “But NOPE!”

“We found them like that, Ma’am.” Angus said as Magnus sits down next to him. Well Magnus jumps over the back of the sofa to sit down. And nearly catapults Angus off it. “Hey! Give me some warning when you do that!”

“Huh. Coincidence or Istus’ sense of humour?” Barry asked.

Two of Tres honey boys agreed that despite her very busy schedule, it was probably most likely The Goddess Istus. (The third of Tres Horny boys hadn’t yet answered the message yet. But it was Merle. so it wasn’t that unusual.)

“Why would the goddess of fate be involved? You’ve sent dog pictures all week.” Angus frowned at him, wiggling the stone about till Magnus is in shot properly. “What was so special about this one?”

“Y-yeah but this is OUR dog picture Angus!” Davenport replied.

“Our dog picture?” Angus said, still very confused.

“Mavis honey am I doing- which button?” Interrupted Merle's muffled finger over the speaker by accident’ voice. As well as an up shot of Merle’s face. There was a chorus of heys and one hail and well met while Merle's eldest adjusted the stone holder. It’s still mostly a view just the top half of his head.

“Aww. Well look at that. That’s cute dog picture.”

“I know right?!” Magnus said as a greeting, practically bouncing up and down says. “I couldn’t believe it. Wait -What the hell was that?”

He and Angus both frowned at high piecing long note coming from somewhere. Johanna the Dog woke up and let out a boof, ears pricked. They weren’t the only ones. Several of the chat members are equally confused or slightly deafened. 

“Damn…” Barry apologetically looking above his head. “That high pitch sound you hear is Lup upstairs, squealing so much she might lich out. “ 

“Soz.” Lup said not a bit sorry. “I opened the picture for a second look. Soo cute.”

“I think you might have set off the dogs!” Magnus frowns. There is a lot of barking coming from the kennels.

“Hey mags? Shut up.” Lup says and there’s the sound of a scuffle where Lup’s stone exits the call. And then a rift opens in her husband’s shot. And Lup’s with him in their living room, ratherthen just taking the stairs. 

“This sap here?” She giggled, poking Barry in the chest and sitting with her legs across his lap. “There’s already five stone texts from him on the household chat cooing over the picture.”

Barry looks embarrassed but shrugged, not minding. Not even when Lup kisses him on the cheek with a loud “Mmmmwah!”

“Gross.” Taako complains. “If you two start making out down the stone again, I’m hanging up.” 

“Same.” Davenport nods. So does Merle.

“Third.” Angus echoed.

“Third. Jinx.” Magnus said.

“Forth. Jinx doesn’t count, you didn’t say it at anywhere even near the same time.” Lucretia points out.

“Fine forth.”

“Cresh was forth.” Merle said.

“Fifth then whatever.” Magnus said. “Lup Barry don’t make out on screen.”

Lup flips them off as she settles herself.

“You all suck. Someone start talking about dogs again?” She says.

“Always!” Magnus laughed. But for once it’s not Magnus who gets the first word in. 

“Yes. Back to puppies,” Lucretia chimes in. “If it’s okay with you Magnus, I think you should get that printed at fantasy staples. I’d love a copy up in the break room here!” 

“Hell yeah.” He says. “Team Mrs Sweet Flips will love it.”

“Or you paint that?” Davenport suggests.

“I could.” Lucretia hummed. “It is a nice composition.”

“Huh.” Angus frowned. And not just at the way only Lucretia’s screen was occasionally flickering.

Lucretia frowned back. “What’s wrong, dear?”

“Oh, nothing; I just didn’t have you pegged as a dog person Ma’am.” He shrugged. “You know, what with the Moon rules.”

“That’s only because they run off the dang thing.” Lucretia shrugged. “Like Johann the dog nearly proved when Magnus brought him up here first time. Don’t look at me like that you three, I know he was only a baby at the time.”

Angus Magnus and Johann the Dog shut off their Puppy eyes.

(That was fair. She had slightly changed the rule for Magnus last year. Some dogs on the Moon; but only if they’re on a lead and house trained. And Don’t play fetch on the quad.)

“She doesn’t mind dogs, kid. Just not at three am or with tusks.” Merle grins. Lucretia rolls her eyes but Merle continues. “huh magnus? Huh?”

“….What did you do?” Angus asks him with a sigh. Magnus looks apologetic but didn't say anything. The others snigger and giggle.

“Hey kids. What’s tall and blue and found screaming on top of a refrigerator?” Taako asks.

“I don’t know sir; What’s tall and blue and found screaming on top of a refrigerator? Also, what’s a refrigerator?”

“Oh; it’s a fantasy Ice box.” Taako says.

“…I… don’t get it.” Angus said. Neither did Mavis. Or Mookie.

“I thought you were going to say like ‘Ice Scream’ or something, Uncle Taako.”

“It’s not a very good joke uncle.”  
Taako tried to explain and then gave up.

“Weird how that comes back up same time as dog pile eh?” Barry chuckles and Davenport agrees.

“Dog’s are fine.” Lucretia said. “Just not on the moon base. Or being shoved through the bedroom window.”

Another in-joke Angus assumes. Taako and Lup have their shit eating twin grins on and Angus makes a mental note to ask them later and get the Starblaster gossip that way.

Magnus coughs and changes the subject.

“Er I think a print or paintings a great idea. I wouldn’t know how to go about that though so if you can do that Lucretia, go ahead?” He says. Then gets a bright idea. “Oh but can you make big pictures?

Lucretia smiled. “Are you asking me for another big picture of dogs, Magnus?”

“Please? I want to put it in the front hall of the school.”

Lucrtia waits a beat before smiling again. “…Yeah okay. That would nice to see as you come in.” 

“Favouritism!” Merle complains.

“Do you want a print too, Merle?”

“…please.”

“Oh ‘Cretia, you reckon you could do me and Lup a copy while you’re at it?” Barry waves.

“We’ll also be happy to offer to bribe you. Unlike these bozos.” Lup adds.

“And one for me and Krav!” Taako nods.

“We live in the same big house dummy.” Lup says.

“Dummy yourself, it’s a big house!” Taako fired back.

“Besides you don’t know if I want a copy in a spare bedroom or if I wanted one to cover the entire wall for my office in my excellent academy of excellence.” He continued, Flinging his arms open to show off his headmasters study with several framed certificates. “Also I offer better bribery material. And I’m also gonna be back late. There’s Dinner in the fridge for you two prepped just needs heat and dumplings in the slow cooker. You’re welcome.”

“Nice!” Blupjeans grin, giving Taako a quadruple thumbs up and finger guns.

“I wouldn’t mind it on my wall too.” Davenport said. His screen moved, not just with the bobbing of his boat but from carrying his stone as he hangs it up above the wheel, and gestures to the little cabin. “Abiet a bit smaller than Taako.”

“hell yeah! Get printing slash painting! Make it a Candle Nights present.” Taako laughs.

“Well that’s the surprise totally ruined.” Lucretia said in her signature madam director dead pan.

While Lucretia navigates the order several copies or paintings of doggie cuddle piles, and how big everyone wants; Magnus remembers what he came in for before he got excited over a picture of dogs.

“Hey Ang, I came to see if you wanted a study snack getting? I was ‘bout to make lunch otherwise.” He says aside.

“Oh, sure. Thank you, sir.”

“No Problem kiddo.” 

There is a sudden silence on the line. Angus thinks the connections dropped. But the pictures are still there. Maybe their frozen? Lucretia’s pen is still hovering above her notebook. But everyone’s looking at the with similar wide-eyed expressions. 

Then, on the line from Lup there’s a hesitant.

“Lunch?... Mags…?”

“What?” Magnus challenged.

“Nothing I’m just saying-!“ Lup starts, hands up.

“That you can’t even make decent toast.” Merle finished.

“And I agree with you, my old dude.” Taako ribs. “First time ever right? Magnus can in theory cook and bake but the only seasoning he knows is chilli and salt.”

“Pfft just you’re a chef.” Magus scoffs. 

“But I’m not.” Merle counters. “and I can recognise you cooking skills as being worse then you’re ability to not run in to head long in shit.”

“So my foods rustic. It’s my charm. I’ve been making Angus lunch all week.” Magnus shrugs. “You haven’t died yet, have you kiddo?”

“I don’t like how you added yet there.” Angus said. “But no, I think Magnus can cook.”

“Hey! Don’t you dare make Angus whatever you made me for lunch last time I was there.” Barry chips in. “Seriously, I felt reeeaaaaal BAD after.”

“Like regular bad, Barold? Or gonna die bad?” Taako frowns.

Barry nods. “Ghost mode bad.”

There are several cringes and couple of low whistles over the chat.

“Really?” Angus frowned. “What did you make him?”

“Err, I think it was stew?” Magnus frowned back. “He was alright when he left here.”

“I wasn’t.” Barry scowled.

“Wow. And I’ve seen Barry eat coco puffs with vodka at three am.” Lucretia cringes. “How can something be that ‘Ghost mode’ bad?”

“Wait I know what he had-! And that wasn’t my fault!” Magnus said.

“Wait hold on Magnus. Lucretia, are you serious?” Davenport interrupted. “as in like, Barry had vodka? With it poured on top of the coco puffs?”

“yeah. Year thirty-six?” She said. “He even poured the cereal in the bowl first.”

“Cereal’s do go in the bowl first.” Angus said. (With Mavis and Mookie agreeing somewhere in the background.)

“Nah.” The seven adults chorus. And Barry defends himself.

“I was tired and hadn’t slept for two days! I meant to have dry cereal and put the vodka in my mug. Didn’t notice till I’d poured it.”

“But you still ate it?” Davenport asked.

“Well yeah? Couldn’t waste food.”

“That’s bad babe.” Lup teases poking him in the cheek. “It might have been neat with baileys or something.”

“I disagree. That is just as bad.” Angus frowns.

“It’s ick.” Magnus agrees pulling a face. “Waste of vodka too.”

“I’ve had worse tasting things.” Barry shrugged.

“Not in my kitchen you haven’t! I’m with Lup. Baileys sure, Vodka no.” Taako said. “Add some extra cream whip it up and boom. Can make it into a dessert.”

“Milk first. Or vodka. But then cereal.” Captain says very seriously. And then just as seriously added, “And then fantasy M&ms on top.”

“Cereals First then milk and M&ms!” Mookie says shoving his face between Merle and the stone at his end.

And the whole thing devolves into a bickering and things like:

“Cap! Don’t tell the kid put sweets in his cereal! That’s bad!”

“Eh he’ll be fine.”

“Merle!”

“You can’t talk you have sweets for breakfast all the time!”

“Never mind taste. That’s so bad for your liver.”

“I dunno it sounds okay? How much vodka we talking here?”

“Yeah, like a splash? Or a whole bowl?”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“I mean it with all serious Swap it for Irish cream and I’m in.”

“Lup, No!”

“Pina Colada could work?”

“Luce don’t encourage the clown.”

“Who’s making that noise? Don’t fake wretch over chat, that’s bad audio.”

“Cursed.”

“Coco puff flavoured vodka anyone?”

“Ew.”

“ : ( ”

“Did you just say a sad smiley face? Out loud?”

“Hey, how the fuck do you keep doing that?”

“Yeah this is another verbal conversation.” 

“ : 3 ”

“NO.”

“ > : 3”

“Stop it!”

“Milk goes first.” 

“Gross.” 

“Cereal. Then milk. ”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Wait I know how to resolve this…M&M’s go second.”

“I refuse to believe you guys put the milk in first.”

“Hey! Hey Bluejeans? Maybe you felt bad afterwards because I made you a stew, right?” Magnus argues cutting over the top of everyone.

“The Stew was fine? But you added cheese! And when we went out to the bar afterwards you got a milkshake?”

“Barry, love of my life, death, and in-between,” Lup said. “Why the fuck did you do that? You’re lactose intolerant.”

“I forgot!” He insisted.

“Taako, in your opinion should cheese go in stew?” Davenport asks.

“On this planet? Hmm dicey depends on the cheese. But given what stews we’ve had before it’s only at a three out of ten on the Taako’s fuck no scale.”

“Hey Angus?” Lucretia says in a false whisper. Even putting a hand to one side of her mouth. “Just tell Magnus, sincerely, that you have to eat sensibly? Don’t go overboard on the candy and red meat.” 

“Yeah, get him to make you some proper food.” Says Merle. “Not just whatever the rock eater shoves in his maw.”

“Dad, Mookie eats dirt.” Mavis chimed in.

“It has minerals in, he’ll be fine.”

“I’m eating okay.” Angus replies.

“You sure?” 

“Yes!”

“You guys are dicks.” Magnus laughs.

“Well,” Taako says. “you are what you eat.”

“Ew.”

“Taako? Sir!”

“Brother, why?”

“And Magus ate unicorn dick.” Taako finishes. “so, take that how you will.”

He then bows. And also dabs.

There’s a long pause on the line before Davenport asked, “W-what?”

Lup lets out a whistle. “Ooooh Shit, yeah. I’d forgotten that.” 

“When did Magnus eat a friggin’ unicorn dick?” Barry frowned up at her. 

“And the horn. Don’t forget the horn.” Merle added. “Wait kids, cover your ears. Oh, Mavis already left the room, okay. He ate the horn!”

“Oh yes defiantly. Maggie eats unicorn horns. And ‘horns’.” Taako says with finger quotes.

“He ate the Horn of Tres Horny Boys.” Lup cackles.

“EW.”

“Auntie Lup!”

“Sister WHY!?”

“It was deep fried unicorn dick, and deep-fried horn.” Magnus says. With pride. “And the horn was VERY crunchy. In a bad way.” 

There’s another pause. 

“…Wow.” Davenport says. 

“You actually ate unicorn…thing sir?” Angus frowning up at him, very grossed out. “That’s horrible. And also, probably super illegal.”

“Babe when did Magnus eat unicorn dick?” Barry asked again. But Lup’s cackling too much to reply. As are Tres Horn-Horny Boys.

“Is this like slang for something?” Angus asks. “I really hope it’s slang for something.”

“I don’t remember a planet where we ate unicorn.” Davenport said. “Especially not, you know, THAT part.”

“If we did, I didn’t write it down. I wouldn’t have wanted to. Were these separate occasions Magnus?” Lucretia asks. 

“Yeah or did you just up and eat a whole fucking unicorn?” Barry asked looks and sounds like he’s still trying to wrap his head around it. “Like take ‘so hungry I could eat horse’ literally?” 

“He had them separately. But at the same time.” Taako clarifies.

“One in each hand.” Magnus confirms. Miming to the screen to fists up to the stone.

“That’s what he said!” Merle laughed.

Taako agreed with an “Heeeyooo!”

“On a stick, one in each hand.” Magnus amends. “On the Moon base.”

“W-What!?” Lucretia said. Well yelled. Said loud enough to startle some poor BOB worker walking past in the background at any rate.

“The fuck?” Barry finishes.

“Magnus, you brought a unicorn dick to the moon?” Davenport says slowly.

“Hey! I ALWAYS bring Dick to the moon.” Magnus laughs. Angus kicks him. And throws a cushion at him.

“Actually, it was Lucretia. YOU brought horn to the moon.” Lup chips in pointing at the screen.

“I really did not!” Lucretia snaps back.

“Did do dear. ‘Cos it was at the first Midsummer Fair on the BOB these guys attended.” Lup continues,

“I thankfully didn’t see that being in the umbra staff and all. But I did have to hear it. So, Magnus? Ew, how dare you.”

“So just to clarify; Magnus ate illegally sourced unicorn dick and horn. Deep-fried. On the then secret moon?” Davenport asked.

“Yeah. I got it from some weird little deep-frying shop that made you anything you asked for.” Magnus said.

“Did not rate her cooking skills at all.” Taako drawls. “One-star review there from Taako’s fuck no scale. Like a three on hygiene meter.”

“It was bad dick.” Magnus agreed.

“Didn’t we get fleeced by one of the games too?” Merle asks.

Angus is very glad he wasn’t yet at base at that time to witness that shit. He could have happily gone without knowing about it too. So would Lucretia by the looks of it.

She had head in her hands, just out of shot on the table. But he could hear a long-suffering sigh and Muffled mutterings of:

“Of course, it was on the moon. Why not? Of course, Why not on the bloody moon. And to think I thought Killian was being weird about getting a deep-fried fantasy Mars Bar!”

“Yeah. Good stall picking there Madame Director.” Merle teases.

“Pretty sure Leon was in charge of stalls?” Dav starts. But is ignored.

“More like Madame Dick-ector right?” Magnus grins. Angus smacks him with another cushion. It’s like feather against a war forged.

“Ew.” Lucretia says sitting up and back in her seat to glare at him.

“You mean Madaaaame Dick-rate-or!” Lup yells. And it met with another “EY OOO!”

Lup stands up and bows. Barry high fives her. Davenport claps. Angus face palms. Lup receives long range high fives from everyone else.

With exception of Madame Dick-rateor herself.

“Come on Lucretia admit it. That one was a good one.” Mags teases.

“Yeah! Don’t leave me hanging!” Lup eggs, hand still up. Lucretia hasn’t moved, nose still wrinkled in disgust. “Luc?”

“…”

“Okay now that’s creeping me out.” Taako scowled. “Paging Madam Dick-tat-a-tot. You can quit the staring contest now, we get it.”

“Faerun to Lucretia?” Merle asks. Nearly everyone is calling on her or have hands that are waving at screen in an attempt to get her attention.

“Dang, did we break her?” Barry frowns. “After a hundred and twelve years this is what did it?”

“Ma’am?” Angus asks. “Aunt Lucy?”

Lucretia is still frozen in disgust. And jittering slightly. Then the picture breaks up in earnest super. Angus can her Lucretia’s stone humming and buzzing, pick up and drop, catching fragments of speech. “-Mitt! How-? Can you- me? I’m going- hold-“

It’s hard to tell if the stone her end is moving or its just Lucretia’s image breaking up so terribly. But after a snap crackle and pop, the picture goes blank completely.

At least it didn’t dissolve into static.

The projected picture shifts, leaving Angus looking at just the four other groups in chat: Blupjeans on their sofa, Merle and his ceiling, Davenport and a porthole, and Takko laid across is big comfy office chair. As well a little image Magnus, Johann the Dog, and himself in the corner.

“Aaaaand she’s gone, hasn’t she?” Magnus said.

“Was that on purpose or did her stone just die?” Barry asks.

“I think the signal’s dropped. Or frozen.” Angus sighed, trying to recall what the tome sized manual said about this sort of thing.

“It’s something to do with the moon and the Smartstone’s frequencies clashing with each other. I keep asking Mr Miller about this precise problem, but he doesn’t think it’s an issue.”

“Stupid second moon.” Grumbled Taako, shaking his own stone as if that will help.

(He’s not the only one. There’s a tale tale thud thud on the line where Davenport and either Barry or Lup tapping their stones. Because everyone knows sometimes tech needs a little slap to work. Just a little one. Mookie’s fist is raised up ready to pound the Highchurch Stone before Merle grabs him.)

“Stupid Miller tech.” Agreed Davenport. 

“Stupid Lucus Miller.” Magnus scowled, poking the Smartstone. It makes a ‘beep’ noise as if in protest. “I’m pretty sure this is like the fourth time that’s happened mid chat. Normal stones are fine, it’s just this new one of his.”

“Always when I make the best witty remarks too.” Lup complains.

“Maybe Miller’s programmed it like that.” Merle suggests.

“Wouldn’t surprise me. Should we just go and kidnap Lucy?” Lup asks.

“Seems a bit dramatic action over a stone signal, Ma’am. I think I can get her back in the chat without resorting to that. People would worry about where she is.” Angus said. Taako makes a noise that might have been a sarky remark under his breath but doesn’t elaborate.

“Alright Angus. But If it happens again, I’m kidnapping her.” Lup promises.

Angus tried adding Lucretia’s rune to the chat again and a blue section of the screen appears. Very blue. It’s blank save for the Miller’s smartstone logo and under that, a white spinning circle buffers. Round and round the ring the little light courses, in the most infuriating soothing circle Angus has ever witnessed.

“Hey guys?” Davenport frowns, squinting at his screen. “is it just me? Or did Lucas rip off the Bond engine design to make a loading animation of all things?”

“Wait. He has.” Barry scowled peering close. “That thieving -!”

“I dare you to show up in your reaper gear and scare the poop out of him.” Merle suggested, a rather evil little grin under his beard. “Ask how his stiches healed up.”

Angus lets the stone buffer another moment more while the others discuss (read: bitch and chat shit) about the questionable scientist. When it doesn’t connect he tried dropping ‘Madam Lucretia (Personal)’. And adds ‘Moonbase: Office’ from his runes attuned contacts instead. This time there’s a ding of connecting And then various heys and hellos and well met as Lucretia reappears in the call, now in her office.

“New stone, who dis?” She grins out of breath, her other stone in hand having possibly rushed to her office to get a better signal. “Oh good there we are… Did I miss anything?”

“Did you catch the bit where We’ve officially changed your title?” Magnus asked.

“Yep. The sitch sis, the four one one is from hence forth you are Madam Dick-ratour.” Taako said.

“Great.” Lucretia deadpanned walking around the desk.

“Wear it with pride kid!” Merle beams.

“We weren’t kidding. we’re going to get you that on a plague for your office door.” Lup lied. “and also, you owe me a high five first before we do anything else! Or a fist bump.”

Lucretia rolls her eyes. But relents and holds a resigned hand up gives a long-range fist bump. “Just so I’m UpToDate,” she says sitting down heavily into the chair behind the desk.

“Magnus… and I can’t belive I’m asking this but did you actually order unicorn, like by choice?” She asks. “You saw a fry stall and decided yep that’s what to eat on a stick?”

“Yeah.”

“…ew.”

“Wait- Hey!” Magnus snatched the stone out of Angus’s hand. “YOU leave shells on pistachio, LUCRETIA!”

“…wow.” Davenport repeats. “L-like that equals unicorn shlong, Burnsides?”

The straight way he says it sets everyone off, even Magnus. Lup and Barry are in hysterics by now. If they weren’t already reapers, they might have died laughing.

“Oh wait sir. You thought she was being serious?” Angus asked Magnus, trying to catch his breath. “About them nuts?”

“Yeah Deez NUTZ!” He grins. Then Magnus says, “Wait. She wasn’t?”

“Oh shit… No I- Magnus I was being sarcastic as hell. I thought you got that.” Lucretia said also laughing. And then concerned asked, “Oh shit. He didn’t, did he?”

“He DID!” Merle and Taako chorused.

“I didn’t correct him either.” Merle says.

Taako agreed and cackles. 

“We both watched him eat a bag of your goarp and didn’t tell him!”

“What? He could have broken his teeth!” Angus scolded. Lucretia at least looks apologetic. A little.

“See? Thank you Ango. Nice to know SOMEONE cares about me!” Magnus mock pouts giving Angus a big one-armed bear hug.

“…I still think the dead unicorn dick is worse than unshelled pistachio.” Davenport says dryly. It only makes everyone including Angus start laughing harder.

“So Magnus eats dick and nuts?” Merle says. 

“Oh gods its’s turning into Fantasy Bush tucker trials.” Lup cackles.

“You- you are what you eat!” Taako repeated, almost choking from laughing.

“Wow! I send you puppy pictures and all I get is put on blast?” Magnus grins once it’s died down and people are getting their breath back. “You guys suck!”

“Yeah!” Angus grinned. “You guys suck.”

There’s a mock shocked hand on heart gasp from Lucretia, a shriek of delight from Lup; And Various degrees of “Hey!”

“Did you just sass me?!” Taako (fake) fumes.

“Little smart arse.” Barry laughs.

“Me? Taako from TV? Your first and greatest magic teacher?!” 

“Yeah, is that any way to speak to your favourite captain, young man?”

“Or your favourite twin?” Lup says.

“Er no I’m his Favourite twin!” Taako squarks.

“You’re not.” Lup jeers. “Is he Angel?”

“Excuse you, love. I’m the fellas favourite twin.” Barry said. Lup squarks this time. And shoves him into a sofa cushion.

“No I’m Angus’s favourite twin!” Lucretia preens. 

“No I’m Ango’s favourite twin.” Magnus says flexing.

“I’m Ango’s favourite twin and so are my kids.” Merle says. In a very bad Scottish accent.

“Fuck off. You four aren’t even elves!” Taako scowled.

“Race-ist.” Magus said sticking out his tongue.

“We can’t all be Angus’s favourite twin.” Davenport chuckled. “Although I am his favourite, huh?”

“Says who? But hey, Kid? You’re grounded.” Merle says.

Mavis tells him he can’t do that, and he replies he can. Dav weighs in on that. Lup is cheering Angus on as loudly as Taako is raging that Angus is banned from books until he’s twenty-seven. To which Lucretia then takes genuine offence too. And Barry is asking over top of that what else Magnus ate as well as grand relics, pistachios and dick. 

Meanwhile Magnus passing Angus the Smartstone, ruffles his hair fancy cap and all. And says in thieves cant (just because he can) that he’s off to the kitchen.

Angus nods. Then as Magnus leaves, sighs and says to the stone, “Please can we stop saying unicorn …you know what in the chat now?”

“Too late.” Taako laughs. “I changed the group chat name to Unicorn Dick Eaters.”

“How?” Angus asks. Magus appears on screen walking along the corridor, having pulled out his stone. Then reading the new caption, bursts out laughing in his big barky laugh.

“No idea but I’m not changing it back.” Taako grins.

“We have said the word so many times in two minutes chatting its stopped sounding like a real word.” The captain complained.

“What? Unicorn? Or D to the I to the CK” Lup starts. And gets a hard stare from Davenport. “would you rather we said Knob?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Speaking of eaters-?“ Barry says.

“Can’t we go back to dogs?” Angus pleads.

“Nope.” Taako says, “Unless Maggie is feeding you hotdogs. Cos then I really will be pissed.”

“I’d argue hot dogs are better than deep fried unicorn.” Lucretia said.

Lup didn’t agree. “Hmm are they though? Like I’ve seen what goes into a hotdog on our planet. That was bad enough.”

“And I’m still sceptical of what you’re going to feed our teenage fancy boy.” Taako finishes.

“I agree.” Davenport said.

“Me three.” Lucretia agreed.

“Four.” Merle nodded.

“Five and six.” Lup says gesturing to her and her husband.

Barry nods then said, “Wait that goof doesn’t work. Captain didn’t say me two.”

“Didn’t I? My bad.”

“Aw Dav!”

“Captain come on.”

“Hey! I can take good care of our fancy lad.” Magnus says, propping the stone up on a shelf. Then Shouting both down the hall and into his stone: “HEY! ANGO!“

“YEAH?” Angus shouts back Louder than necessary.

“CHEESE TOASTIE OKAY?”

“WHAT?” They back-an-forth, getting louder every turn.

“CHEESE – TOASTIE - OKAY?” Magnus Bellows.

“YES SIR!”

“Achie matchie pack it in!” Taako curses. “Ango, Mango you’re both grounded!”

“yeah! What the fuck you two? My delicate elfin ears!” Lup complains.

“I think I heard it from here.” Davenport agreed. “Scared all the seabirds around and the fish off.”

“Lup honey you were squealing so loud over the dogs,” Barry teased. “ ‘Cretia probably could’ve heard you on the moon without a Stone.”

“I did Barry. It sent all signals to haywire. All scanners will be out for at least a week.” Lucretia said gravely. With a wink.

“Shut it the pair of you.” Lup scolded.

“I swear to Istus Pan and Bird Mom-!” Taako starts, rubbing his ear.

“Oi get your own god, leave Pan alone!” Merle huffed.

“Yeah. And you can’t call My Lady ‘bird mom’.” Lup said angerly. 

“Only we can call her Bird Mom.” Barry agrees.

“Bird Mom-in-law then. Whatever, shut up.” Taako scowls waving a hand.

“I swear, Magnus? If boy wonder has eaten nothing but hotdogs, cheese toasties and instant ramen AGAIN this week, I will magic missile you, big guy.”

“Angus’s a student! That’s all we ever used to eat on Campus.” Merle points out. “Let the kid eat like crap.”

“Yeah!” Magnus agrees. “Wait No! I mean-!"

“Why the fuck did you just agree with him, Magnus!?” Taako fumed.

“No Taako, don’t worry.” Angus sighs, “And I eat healthily at school. We’ve had other things besides junk food.” He absentmindedly plucks a few strands of fur that’s shed on his jumper. 

“Although if anyone has a spell for repelling dog hair, I’d much apricate it?”

But Taako is already talking over him, sitting up in his chair. “Other things?! Not other food? You all heard him say Other THINGS right?”

Dog-Dammit…!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orginally this was purely over stone of fare speech but a fantasy zoom chat was more fun to write then just a group phone call or family whatsapp. thanks for reading.


	3. I saw Seven Dogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have milked it a little at the end but I'm so happy with how this came out. Enjoy stay safe !

“Other things?! Not 'other food groups’? You all heard the Boy Wonder say Other THINGS there, right?” Taako raged.

“Yeah, what the hell?”

“He said things. Not foods.”

“That’s sus.”

“ : / “

“Definitely heard things there.”

“I have been feeding Angus food.” Magnus says in defence. There was a pause before Taako yelled at him again.

“Real weird way to say that and not to specify what food, my man!”

“Well-! … tits.”

“Angus? Magnus is feeding you human food, isn’t he?” Lucretia asks. He can’t tell if she’s still goofing or becoming genuinely concerned and entered protective mode. “Like food fit for your consumption? Just because he eats like a garbage disposal doesn’t mean you can. Or should!”

“Lucretia-!” Angus whines. But Lucretia startles and momentarily puts herself on mute, as someone comes into her office. Lucretia accepts a big stack of papers and talks to the unseen someone, keeping one concerned eye on the chat.

“Angus, listen to me carefully.” Davenport says seriously, as that happens. “If you can’t talk, tap once on your stone if all he’s giving you is dog food and treats”

“Cap’port, duuuuude.” Magnus pouts hand over his heart. “You wound me.”

“He isn’t Captain. Honest.” Angus says but Merle talked over him.

“Oh yeah, thanks for that MAGNUS by the way. Mookie keeps asking for dog biscuits now.”

“They taste like Beef!” Mookie inputs off screen. 

“They’re full of protein.” Magnus reports. Merle scowled and grumbled.

“Fucking rock and dick eater.”

“I’m eating FINE! And I am having some healthy food as well!” Angus insists.

“Oh yeah? Isn’t that what you said about school dinners like a minute ago?” Taako said, leaning in over his desk. “Cos Taako smells a rat, bubba. I know for a fact that the meals at THAT school aren’t even up to a regular standard.”

“They are too. There’re just not up to your standard.” Angus pointed out.

“Same thing.” Taako shrugs. “Although, speaking of canteen food…”

His tone and posture changed but as the meme saying goes, you get more snakes with honey.

And Taako then asked, very very sweetly. “Hey Cap? Madam D for dicks? How’s it going on that old rust bucket and the Wave humper food wise?”

Davenport and Lucretia’s reactions could have been rehearsed they were so in sync-

(With exception for Lucretia putting the volume back on and a muffed Brad Bradson’s heard to say,  
“Did he just call our moon rusty?”

“I think he did.” Replied Avi. “did he just call her-?”

“I think he did.”)

Davenport and Lucretia’s reactions could have been rehearsed they were so in sync. First was face drop. The hard stares. Followed Then by Twin Eye rolls and very very long-suffering sighs down the line, two of them this time. 

“That bad huh?” Taako asks.

In sync Twin nods. Double hums. And to finish Two blown raspberries and in unison. All done with that neutral gravitas of captain and director, which of course caused everyone to crack up.

“Jinx.” Davenport says over the laughter, still straight faced.

“Dang." Lucretia starts. Then jolts as someone off screen thump her on the arm. “OW! Brad what the -?” Another hand slaps her shoulder. “Ow! Avi stop it!”

“Sorry Madame, but you can’t speak when you’re jinked.” Brad says off camera.

“Oh sweet, no one say you know who’s name.” Taako cackles. Lucretia huffs and glares at the three of them. 

“Woah that’s rule of jinx on this planet?” Lup blanches. “you talk and you get punched? Brutal.”

“Hey Avi, Bradson! Get in the pic! Taako wants to ask you a question.” Taako calls.

Lucretia looks sceptical but shifts her stone so as to show the family the two shuffling around the desk to join her.

“AVIIIII!”

“BARDSOOOON!”

“Hey Brad! Hey Avi!”

“Ahoy!”

“Oh er, Hi. Everyone.” Brad leans into shot unsure of what’s happening.

Avi has no such qualms. He waves and beams and even give Lucretia bunny ears to the Stone while he’s speaking. Lucretia is clearly reaching up to do the same to Brad. But her arms aren’t quite long enough so from the camera angle it just looks like a weird half hug. Or maybe she is just giving him a half hug. Brad does give good hugs.

“Hey guys, Hope you’re all okay! We just came to drop of some paperwork.” Avi said.

“Didn’t mean to interrupt-.” Brad tries.

“Brad do you have to file a complaint against yourself now?” Magnus grins interrupting him. “for punching your boss?”

“Possibly, depends if L- Ma-," Brad said, weary of the jinx. “you know who wants to put a complaint in.”

Lucretia gives him what Angus interprets as a ‘maybe I will Maybe I won’t’ shrug.

“Shut up a second you guys. That’s not what I wanted to ask them.” Taako snaps. “Listen, what do you make of the food fellas? In the BOB canteen.”

“well, It’s pretty …. okay? Like we have a salad bar now? That’s cool.” Avi says, confused.

“Braaaadson.”

Brad looks at the screen. Then at his boss. She gives him a nod and he relaxed. Like a lot.

“The chips aren’t as good as they used to be?” he tries. “they taste really oily now. I liked them with their skins on.”

“We could do with more veggie alternatives that’s not just cheese and onion? or super spicy.” Avi suggests.

“And more vegan and milk alternatives?” Brad agrees.

“Theme nights? Maybe once a month?”

“Maybe more Kosher options too.”

To her credit, Lucretia has grabbed a notebook and is writing down their suggestions, nodding.

“And it would be nice if we had more cereal options in the morning?” Brad agrees.

“Mr Bradson, cereal goes in the bowl first, right?” Angus interrupts.

“…Yes?”

“Avi, do you agree?”

“yeah.” Avi nods. “why?”

“Irrelevant.” Taako snaps. The kids boo him.

Lucretia tears off a note and hands it to Avi. 

“‘Say 'But Taako’s dinners are better than the current canteen food'.” Avi reads aloud. Lucretia facepalms. “Well, they are. Ooh is that what he was after?”

Everyone nods. Taako preens.

“Aaalllright. I’ll let you get on, ma’am.” Brad grins.

“We all still up Poker at Merle’s on Saturday?” Avi asks.

“sure.” Merle grins. Then panics. “Oh, shoot yeah, can someone watch the kids Saturday?”

“Bye hope you’re all okay! See you later, Director.”

Everyone waves and there is a Chorus of byes. And the boys make leave the office. 

There is absolutely no-good reason for what happens next.

“Psst! hey-!” Merle hisses, making a turnaround gesture with his wooden hand.

“Guys no!” Mags says.

But Lucretia nodded grinning and pivoting her stone quickly about, so it shows Brad and Avi at the door.

“Man, Magnus what was it you said the other day?” Merle asks.

“I think it was I Hate to See Avi And Bradson Go but The Views Not Half Bad, right?” Taako misquotes. Far too loudly.

Loud enough for Brad to flatter in his step and Avi to almost swings back into the already closing door. Lucretia Suddenly flipped her stone back around so fast to avoid getting caught, pretending she hadn’t heard anything out of the ordinary. Even going so far as to pick up a pen and one of the files pretending to write in it. It’s only when the door clicks shut does everyone start cooing and wolf whistling.

“Lalalala Not listening!” Angus says, sticking his fingers in his ears to muffle to block the soppiness.

He still catches the tail end of Merle singing “- and Magnus sitting in a tree K – I - s- S -I- N! oh G!”

Magnus is blushing beet red and laughing, muttered. “Pricks.”

“and Perverts.” Lup agrees slash teases. “You guys are awful at trying to set people up. Taako you’re married, don’t enable him.”

“Madam Dick-ratoer provided him with the eye candy not me.” Taako said Battering his eyelashes. Lucretia sports an equally innocent don’t know what you mean face.

“That’s not sexually harassment is it?” Barry laughed. Lucretia paused and frowns. Then grabs a pen and starts writing something. For real this time taking the cap off the pen and all. “You’re his boss for crying out loud, kiddo.”

_Shit, maybe? Depends. Probably, I guess?_ Lucretia replies, Holding a note up to the screen. While writing another with the other hand and swapping it. She is comminated to jinx. _Although technically I’m no longer Boss of either of them. I do keep telling them that._

_“_ That’s a yes then.” Davenport says. “Are they both freelance now, then? I know it was in the works.”

_Yes. Avi’s now a consultant engineer. Same job description really but he’s his own boss. This just gives him more time to travel and do other projects ...hench why he is free to go to Raven’s Roost so much. ;)_

“Not like that!” Magnus whines. But Lucretia continues.

_And Brad works as therapist, with offices within the Bureau. He’s still the Bureau’s HR Department as well for now, but only while he helps his replacement settle in._

“I’d sooner him then Dracula.” Merle says. “I think her ‘Depends’ means Depends on if his date with Brad last Friday went well, right Mags?”

“It’s not a date, we just hung out. Him, me and Avi work out sometimes. Sweet Flips too.” Magnus grins. “And Avi

helps me with the set up down here like repairs and stuff so then we hang out then.”

“hang outs and Work out buddies? Sure.” Merle nods.

“Lot of repair work at a dog school huh big guy?” Taako says.

“So, who’s cuter Magnus? Brad or Avi?” Lup asks bluntly, despite her earlier call outs.

Magnus declines to answer any of that and flips them off instead. The Boy detective comes to his rescue at least.

“captain you didn’t answer Mr Taako.” Angus needles.

“On what?” Davenport frowns then clicks. “oh! On how the food is, right. Taako?”

“Yeees?” Taako grins.

Davenport cleared his throat. “it is absolute… Utter shit.”

“Woah what?!”

“Captain!”

“ : o ”

“Woah Capenport.” Magus said. “I wasn’t not expecting that.”

“Yeah, me either.” Lup frowns. “I always thought you were a pretty decent cook?”

“My cooking is fine, Lup but very basic. Well compared to your own cooking and your brothers professional chef skills. and compared to the parcels he sends, It’s diabolical. It’s much nicer when you’re here in the ships galley Taako. See?” Davenport says, with a sweeping gesture of his stone to show them the little ships little kitchen. A pretty okay looking fish filleted on the pot, waiting to go.  
“I’m sure you could make that dish much more exciting. There. I said it. Now, Merle, Lup pay him whatever you owe him for this ongoing bet!”

“Can’t. I’ve lost my wallet.” Merle says. 

“It’s by the front door dad!” Mavis said helpfully from across the room.

“Et Tue oh captain My Captain?” Lup pouts fishing some coins out of her pocket. She throws them up in the air through a hole in space and time, and they land neatly on her gleeful brother’s desk.

“How did you know there was some form of bet going on?" Angus asked curious.

“Because that is clearly why Taako asked such, isn’t it?” Davenport said. “Plus, he was using his butter wouldn’t melt voice.”

“Dav' my man, you know me so well.” Taako beams. “Aaand Lucretia?”

“Ha!” Lucretia smiles.

“Crap, the jinx.” Taako remembered.

“Hey, wait a sec, you shut your mouth. I didn’t say your full name!”

“Which is?” Luc asks.

“…Mother ff- Trucker.” Taako scowls, sulking. Angus can’t tell if he’s forgotten or just being rude.

Lucretia made to correct him then shrugs.

“huh, yeah that has a nice ring to it.”

“That is defiantly going on the door plaque.” Merle nods sagely. Then announces grandly spreading his hands wide. “I can see it now. Madaaaame Dick-rater, the honourable Lucretia Mother F Trucker.”

For a moment it becomes bullying Madam Director time: Round two. Lucretia rolls her eyes both exasperated and fondly, posing. Everyone laughs.

But then Davenport chuckles under his breath, “Yeah, Lucas’s mother.”

And not as quietly as he thought he did. This time he is not ignored. There’s a beat before pandemonium breaks out.

“What!?” THB yell at the same time as Lucretia let out a squeak.

“shit-!”

“LUCREEETICAAA?”

“You and Nerd Lord’s MOM?!”

“NO way!”

Lucretia doesn’t say anything. Angus checks the connection. Lucretia is still there. it’s her who’s frozen not her stone. She just looks shocked. And busted. Like hands over her mouth wide eyed busted shocked. Got caught stealing cookies from the jar by the jar biting back sort of shocked and busted.

(Angus hate Taako’s Cookie Jar Protection Spell with a passion. He still can’t disarm it after five months.)

“As in Miller? Maureen Miller?” Barry gaped.

“Get it Girl!” Lup grins. “When the hell did that happen? And why didn’t you tell me?! Be a dear and spill the beans.”

“Holy shit.” Merle whistled. Magus woops and then realizes…something important. Ah.

“There’s a whole building dedicated to Ms Maureen at school.” Angus adds. “what’s that to do with trucks? Or was that a euphuism.”

“Shit- oh shit. No Lucretia I’m so sorry.” Captain winces.

“Captain er details?! Don’t just leave me hanging.”

“No! Ignore that! I didn’t say anything.”

Captain is cringing and apologising for letting the cat out the bag. Realisation seems to have dawned on two of Tres Horny Boys and they are VERY awkwardly quiet. They get like this, sometimes. The seven birds. A memory or a moment...

Lup however with her wand is writing loud and proud in technicolour sparkles in the air above her. Something Angus doesn’t know. It looks like she tried to write Film Club. But spelt film badly, swapping the letters around.

“Babe come on. Too far.” Barry warned, wiping away the spell sharpish, “I love you but there’s literal a child and two tweenagers on this chat, you guys! We should really watch our language. ‘Cretia are you okay?”

Lucretia nods. Kind of.

“Barry’s right about the language. It is getting kinda bad actually.” She frowned. Then realises she still has her hands over her mouth takes it away and says “I’m mean it was cute when Angus was ten and saying the odd bad word? But Mookie’s vocab is going to be so crude at this rate.”

“I don’t mind you swearing in front of me.” Angus said.

“We’re still not setting good example, though are we?” Dav sighs. “shouldn’t encourage it.”

“Nah I think we’re fine.” merle says. “Oop. Scratch that. I’m getting glared at by my darling daughter so I think she might want me to agree with her Uncle Barry too.”

“You two swear worse than most them put together.” Mavis puts in. “Aunty, are you okay?”

Lucretia takes a deep inhale. And then surprisingly addresses America’s favourite wizard.

“…Taako? Is there a bet on whether I say the food on the moon is rubbish as well?”

“Oh yeah I forgot we were talking about that.” Magnus said.

“No, I was just curious.” Taako said airily.  
“Actually, no that’s a lie-! Barry owes me four gold if you bad mouth your base’s diner. Also, you could say I’m very curious about the other thing, but I er guess that’s a story for another time huh?”

“I never agreed to four gold.” Barry grumbled.

“Ten then.” Taako shrugs.

“That’s not how bartering works.”

“Dear why would you be a dingus and bet that much gold.” Lup frowns.

“funnily enough Actually I never agreed to any bet at all.” Barry said. Well sulks.

Lucretia let out another sigh. then counted off her fingers.

“In that case, the canteen food has always been bogus, nutritious yet quite bland, and at times diabolical if when compared to yours and Lup’s cooking.” She spoke. “And you know it. Happy?”

“Extremely. Barry, pay up.” Taako winks. “Also, Bogus? Who even says bogus?” 

“You do, sir.” Angus said.

“Did we have a bet on for her saying bogus?” Davenport asks. “I think that’s two extra gold Barry.”

“who even says diabolical. Oh, wait you did.” Barry counted.

“and whatever the B.O.B. canteen has,” he continued. “It’s gotta be better than whatever magnus is making Angus eat.”

“Oh for-!” Magnus looking a bit peeved now. “Piss off Barold.”

“Yeah! Piss off Uncle Barold.”

“Mookie!”

“Whaat?”

“See what I mean?” Lucretia frowned. She looked very much like she was about to summon a large glass of wine despite it being only just one in the afternoon.

“Sirs, Captain, Aunties-!" Angus cuts in. He nearly says, "can I get on with my homework now?" when Kravitz suddenly chimed in on the voice chat.

_“_ _Oi! Why are you all-?!“_

“Babe!” Taako beams, jolting upright in his seat.

“Work accent, mate.” Barry grins.

“Sorry.” Kravitz Clears his throat and starts again.

“Why are you all going buck wild over a picture I can’t see?” He asks, sounding annoyed, amused and baffled. “Or do I not want to know? I’ve at least forty messages on my stone from the three of you.”

“Bird joke, Bones.” Chorused Barry and the twins.

“Also, what is with this group chat name?” Kravitz adds.

“will tell you later.” Taako grins.

“Kravieeeee show us that skull, don’t be just an audio medium.” Magnus pleads.

“Sorry Mr Kravitz I would have sent it to you as well, but it won’t send files through to the astral plane.” Angus says.

“Fucking Lucas Miller tech.” Magnus sighed. Everyone agrees.

“wait,” Merle says. “so, who’s fucking Lucas Miller?”

“Merle!” Lucretia warns. “Ew, do not go there. I do not want to think about that, thank you!”

“It’s not me, if that helps, Lucretia.” Magnus offers.

“No, you’re flirting and romance options on most of her staff huh?” Davenport teased.

“Why was that the part of the part of the conversation I had to catch?” Lucretia huffs. “Angus, how do I make this loose signal again?”

“Hey, speaking of Nerd lord! Madam Dickrator? Did we ever tell you what else we found in Lucas’ bedroom-?“ Taako starts. “Ow son of a-!“

There was the screeching, nails on chalkboard sound of a rip through space. And a horrible feedback loop. Kravitz again had forgotten to turn off his stone while going through a rift, much to everyone’s annoyance. The corresponding rift appears in Taako office, but Angus can’t see it. He only knows it appears in Taako’s office because on his screen, Taako delightedly jumps off his seat and out of view. There’s a sound of kissing. Lup fakes gag sounds down the line as and Barry yells,

“get a room! We’ll tell Ren!”

“Oh, buzz off.” Taako yells back.

The chat screen wabbles as his stone is picked up and turned by a mage hand, showing Taako led Handsome Kravitz by the hand to his office couch and coffee table. His boyfriend looked at the picture Taako was showing him. There’s a pause.

“Those are dogs. Lup Barry, You two bailed and left me with the paperwork for some dogs.” Kravitz says unimpressed.

“Nooo…” Lup tries.

“You ditched me for dogs. Or is that a bear?” Kravitz scowled. “What the ninth hell you two?”

“Someone’s in trouble.” Magnus and Merle tease in a sing song voices.

“Actually, we bailed to get coffee from home.” Barry said.

“Yeah, the pot in the break room has an octopus in it again.” Lup said. “And then we got distracted.”

“Yeah, dogs were not on us.”

“Mango and Ango’s fault.”

“I didn’t do anything!” Angus protested.

“You two used to be such suckers of paperwork.” Davenport sighed.

“Cap that a ruse so they could just make out in the lab!” Taako frowned.

“Still got more work done then you lot ever did.” Captain said wistfully. Causing at least four cries of indignation. 

“With exception to Lucretia.” He added.

The four cries are corrected to just three. Tres Horney boys scowled at smug director’s face.

“Who do you think was covering for us?” Barry teased, earning himself one of Lucretia’s impressions of the Davenport’s slash Madam Director Hard stares before she poked her tongue out at him.

Lup winked and added, “Who said we only made out in the Lab-?”

“Oh, Holy Shit and MOTHER OF PAN!”

Merle suddenly yelled so loud it scares everyone and sends them scrambling for their stones. Literally. Both kids freeze in the background and rush to him. Angus near fumbles to save the Smart stone ships out his grip. Lup falls off Barry’s lap. Lucretia jolts out of her seat, bashing her knee off the table and scattering everything. Magnus whips about, nearly taking off a finger with the knife he’d been chopping a salad up with. Davenport startled, goes against the motion of the ocean and falls over out of shot.

“Merle?”

“Merle?!”

“Dad!”

“What’s happening?”

“Sir!?”

“Are you okay?”

“what? Oh yeah yeah, I’m fine. It’s us!” Merle says excitedly. He’s now finally holding the stone at arm’s length so it’s not an up shot of his nose. “Holy smokes it’s us! it’s us in in the picture. This is us! Lookie, Mooks Mavis see that-?”

“No this is dogs.” Kravitz starts but everyone’s cutting him off again. Merle is trying to explain to his kids but there’s too much noise for Angus to get any real clues as to what’s going on from the explanation.

“Merle don’t do that to me!” 

“What the hell old man!”

“Did you legit just get the joke!?”

“Do that to me again Merle I swear to Istus-!”

“give me a heart attack why don’t you?!”

“Mavis are you still there? Be a dear and Hit your father for me.”

“I will, he scared me too.”

“Ow!”

“I thought something bad had happened.” 

“Shut up a sec! Merle asks. “Hey boy detective, did you and the big guy set this up?”

“I didn’t set it up.” Angus repeated. “just found them like that. I still don’t get it.”

“Wow Merle!” Lup calls. “Took you long enough!”

“Yeah, keep up old fella.” Taako said.

“I couldn’t get dam picture to open full screen!” Merle complains to another volley of protests. “Yeah, Mavis I know you showed me how to-. But Kravitz was going on about so I opened it again. And. Aw gee.”

“To slow!” Magnus laughs from the kitchen. “He finally sees it.”

“Hey!” Merle complains. “I only have one eye!”

“Is there a time lag on these things? Is that it? Is Merle just five minutes behind the rest of us?” Lucretia asked.

“Isn’t he always?” Lup winked.

“Davenport got it straight away.” Taako said.

“Yeah, captain managed.” Barry agreed.

“And just what is that supped to mean?” Davenport asks, with a glare.

“Hey guys… I think Merle is actually crying.” Kravitz said.

“Am not! Just got something in my eye.” Merle grumbles. And sniffs. “Ah who am I kidding yeah I am.”

“Wow merle thought we were going mad for random dogs?” Magnus says. 

“They are random dogs.” Angus tries to argue. Kravitz at least agrees.

“Well, yeah? You mad for random dogs all the time! It’s your trademark thing.” Merle grumbles. “I’m old. I’m aloud to coo over random rescue dogs. Especially these ones. What’s your excuse?” 

“Still took you aaaaages to get to the point, you old old man.” Taako

Merle waves him off. Or flips him off, hard to tell with the wood hand sometimes.

“Yeah, yeah okay. Tooshie Tomato you got me-!“

“DON’T-!” Barry Lup Taako Magnus and Davenport snap. Lucretia just laughs to herself behind a hand. Like full pearls of laughter not just a titter. Angus wonders if he’ll ever find out what’s up with that.

“…Touché.” Merle corrects himself.

“Mags we love you,” Barry says, “but I agree with Merle. If I ask what’s up it takes you twenty minutes to stop you talking about dogs and talk about you.”

“I do not!”

“You do do that Magnus Sir." Angus said.

“Do you do that with your therapist?” Lup “Dude, if you’re spending half the time talking about your dog’s rather than life you need to maybe make it a double session. Right?”

“Dogs Is life!”

“right.” Lucretia says, ignoring his last stupid comment. “and besides if magnus allowed to send tons of dog pictures and ramble on about puppies, then I think Merle’s is allowed time work out which way up his stone is and what the buttons do, right?”

Angus says, “right.”

But There’s AT LEAST four of the ooohh, hang on and oi variety.

“Whoa. This from Ms never seen an iPod before!” Merle grumbles, “’unfamiliar with this technology’ my arse.”

“Yeah! Respect your elders, Grandma! “Taako said.

“Grandma?!” Lucretia Squawks, Applaud.

“sorry, do you preferer granny? Great aunt? Nan?” He cackles.

“Nana, nanny? Great aunt?” Lup joins in. “I mean what are you sixty now? That’s old. Mind… that’s still a baby for an elf.”

“physically I’m only like late fifty. Ish.” Lucretia flustered.

“gross.” Taako says. “still one foot in the grave old.”

“that’s like the same as Barry!” Lucretia tried. “it’s not that old! Even for a human.”

“actually, you’re older now Kiddo. I haven’t actually aged much.” Barry grins tugging on his jacket he probably thinks as flashy. “perks of the job.”

“Still gorgeous.” Lup a smacker on his cheek. Barry goes bright pink all the way up to his round ears and grins love sickeningly at her.

“Double gross.” Taako complains. Despite also being sprawled across his spouse.

“it’s a good look on both of them!” Lup insists. Barry goes from pink to red, as red as his old robes. Lucretia’s face is back in her hands.

“Aw their both blushing! So, Luce, is it a hundred and fifty plus candles on your birthday cake? or are number ones gonna be easier to blow out?” Magus teases. Lucretia shakes her head, but she’s laughing at least.

“You three- pardon my crudeness- chuckle fucks, Kravitz and the Captain are still a lot older than me.” She complained, the echo crackling.

“Oooh shit; Grandma can curse!” Taako gleefully. 

“Such foul language.” Kravitz agreed.

“My young innocent ears!” Magnus cries. “these old ladies, man?”

“Chuckle fuck!”

“shit, Mookie, no! Don’t say that.”

“Told you so.”

“Bite me Barry.”

“Yeah! bite me, Uncle Barry!”

“hey!”

“Mookie, NO!” Merle admonished. “I mean it. Your mother will have my head if you start that crap.”

“Grandma said Chuckle fuck first!” Mookie argued pointing at the screen. Which Everyone found hilarious. Even Angus cracked up.

“Nooo no no no. absolutely not!” Lucretia freaked, Even more horrified than Magnus eating dick on the moon or having her personal life exposed. “okay okay I’m old; but Merle, please! Come on you’re like everyone’s weird dad on ship, don’t let Mookie your actual son call me Granma!”

“Who you calling werid?”

“Merle!”

“Yeah yeah easy sister. Mookie c’mer. listen,” he says seriously. The camera momentarily tips as Merlre lets do of the stone in favour wresting Mookie into sitting down on his lap.

“we were teasing her before. But if Lucretia don’t like that, then we gotta respect that.” He says in h most dad impacting wisdom tone. “So no more calling her Grandma, okay?”

“Okay dad. Sorry.” Mookie nodded.

“Good lad.” And then Merle said, with a pot stirring grin, “Besides, she prefers Granny.”

The cackling and shrieking when though the roof to the point even the smart stones’ smart speaker couldn’t quite handle it. 

“Hey! if Granny Dick-ratour is like super old now?“ Taako said over the racket. (Lucretia protests and is ignored.) “Does that make Magnus a super baby? Like he was the youngest by lil bit now he’s youngest by like decades. ”

“Magnus is an adult.” Magnus said. He can’t quite pull off Taako’s speaking in third person.

“Nope taako’s right. he is official the baby o the group by years now not a year and a few months.” Lup decreed.

“er no Angus is baby now!” Magnus protested. “

“Sir I am actually a teenager now.” Angus said. The was cough. Angus corrected himself. “Nearly. Mavis is a teenager. If anything Mookie is baby.”

“I’m not a baby! Uncle Magnus is the Baby!” Mookie protested.

“I’m not!”

“The kids don’t count, kid.” Merle said.

“first food then unicorns now my age?” Magnus complains. “what is it, pick on Magnus day?”

“You missed out the part where we mercilessly teased you about Avi and Brad.” Lucretia pointed out.

“None of that makes me Baby.” Magnus said.

“Does too.” Lucretia, Lup, and Taako said.

“No, it doesn’t!” Magnus pouted. “that’s not how age works. Barry, Kravitz tell them.”

“Magnus is only just a hundred and thirty to Lucretia’s true age of a hundred and thirty-one.” Barry said. “Plus, he got a new body same day I did.”

“If anything, I’d say he was younger.” Kravitz nodded. “He did die a lot more in Century, save for Merle.”

“Bruh!?” Magnus complained. “I thought we were buds! Merle, a little help here old man?”

“ooh I dunno big guy, the twins are the oldest out us all and yet I’m the old man.” Merle mocks. “so yeah, Magnus is baby now.”

“No!”

“aw yes it does!”

“Baby boy!”

“Noooo!”

“All votes in favour?” Davenport asked. There were several ayes over the chat. Angus committed the ultimate betrayal and put his hand up in agreement.

“All against?”

“Me!” Magnus putting both hands up to no avail.

“Motion Carried.” Captain said seriously. “Magnus is officially Baby of the bunch.”

“Big baby boy.”

“Big soft galoot.”

“Baby bear!”

“Baby bear Dog!”

“wait we’re birds now right?” Taako says.

Barry cottons on and Finger guns said, “Baby bird!”

“BABY BIRD!” Agrees Lup.

“NO!”

“Baby dog bear bird” Merle adds.

Magnus makes to argue but agrees instead. “Yeah. I would totally be a DogbearBird.”

“furry.” Taako jeers. “Baby furry.”

“Hey! If my dad is everyone’s weird dad? that doesn’t make Uncle Magnus my brother as well, does it?" Mavis calls. “One little brother and Angus as younger cousin is enough, thank you.”

“Hey!” Mookie, Angus and Magnus squark.

“Amen to that I had enough trouble with Taako.” Lup agreed.

“er no I’m now the older twin?” Taako corrected.

“you are not.” Lup cuts back.

“You got a new bod, bubba.”

“That’s not how age works!”

“er It did two seconds ago when you all decided I was baby?” Magnus said.

“Okay so Lup is now the youngest twin but Magnus is still baby.” Merle pacified. 

“Don’t save Grandma Lucretia from the fact she old as fuck now.” Taako winked.

“fuck!” Mookie yelled in the background.

And added “Unicorn Dick!” as Mavis tried to grab him. This is followed by several crashing’s of the sound Mookie the chased by his sister about the house, Mookie swearing all the way.

“…see?” Captain ‘port said.

“Right Sorry sorry my mistake. I mean extreeeemely old.” Takko corrected.

“er I know I said Luc is aged more than me but she’s not that much older than me.” Barry argued.

“Okay chill out grandpa Barold.”

“Agh!”

“wait, babe. If you’re old and I’m old but younger then Taako now, which one of us is the cougar?” Lup asked seriously.

“what’s a cougar?” Merle asked.

“I thought we were talking about dogs, not cougars?” Magnus pouted.

“We were. Old dogs.” Taako nodded. “But none as old as granny d I c e- rateor.”

He held his hand up for a high five. Kravitz left him hanging. They all did.

“You spelt dick wrong.” Lup pointed out.

“And you’ve had better dick jokes.” Lucretia said.

“Will you stop saying dick please.”

“Sorry Captain. Twiglet?” Lup tries. “Better or worse?”

“Worse. much worse.”

“whatever. Merle can’t work a Stone of Far speech. Lucretia is old. And Baby Magnus’s food sucks. That was my whole bit.” Taako huffed.

“Hey!” Magnus and Merle complains.

But Kravitz nods in agreement.

“maybe Lucrecia, you and Paloma should form a club.” He suggested. “Isn’t that what old ladies do?”

“Oooh, like coffee morning? or more a knit and natter?” Magnus grinned.

“Gossip witchcraft and wine?” Lup cackles. “sign me up when I go grey.”

“I can lend you lots of knitting pattens, Luc.” Magnus added, “Or is it more a bitch and stich?”

“defiantly a bitch and stich, With old grape juice. Right honey?” Merle beams.

“I thought we were going to tone down the cussing?” Angus said.

“Granny started it. like, old girls at these old women institutes are so rude.” Taako sniffed.

“Old ladies like me.” Angus said.

“Only because you track down their lost pets and runaway husbands.” Magnus teased.

“Not true. They say I’m a fine upstanding citizen and a nice young man.”

“Same here!” Merle said. With a wink.

“Merle? Ew.”

“What?”

Barry nodded. “See they act and Look sweet. and seem very nice with toffees in their pockets and gingham table clothes. but don’t be fooled!”

“it’s a ruse. They trick you into thinking their vibe is all Bingo and Horlicks.” Lup starts.

“and then my dear -… aw man.”

Lucretia is clearly trying to say something in retaliation. or add to the nonsense. And probably has been trying to for a hot minute even. But her connection has other ideas. Lucretia’s image jumps, crackling and stalling again the same way as before. Then pop-! She’s gone again.

“Every time-!” Taako complained flipping off his stone with twin birds at the smug blue screen that popped back up. Lup scowled and blew a raspberry in agreement.

“Technically speaking the Moon right now is closer to both Millers’ labs in Neverwinter and Ravens Roost, right?” Davenport frowned, turning his stone about to show his maps, and all its tracking. Barry was flipping through his notes.

“The relay signal of the far speech Runes, with exception to landmass interruptions is always better if distance is reduced. so, if the moon base is as close to The Academy as it is Raven’s Roost, if anything triangulation should be smoother.” He agreed.

“and in common that means?” Magnus asked.

“Miller’s science is Wack.” Taako translated.

“And In other news water is wet.” Merle said.

“That’s what I keep saying to Professor Miller.” Angus complained. Taako complained about calling that nerd lord a professor but only Kravitz acknowledged it. “about the triangulation, not the wacky bit. The Moon should have really good signal. Ugh, and it won’t let me add Lucretia back in the chat again! On either of her stones.”

“Sucks to be her.”

“Taako!”

“So, we can have dogs on the moon now but not stone signal?” Davenport asked.

“Some dogs.” Magnus corrected.

“Can one of you guys try?” Angus asked.

“Nope you heard the lady,” Merle said. “What’s the plan, fruit Lup, you getting her this time, or shall I?”

“I will. you can’t Parley someone into a stone chat.” Lup frowned.

“Why not?”

“I could go get her?” Magnus suggested.

“Fight you for the privilege, baby bear.” Lup winks. But Barry shakes his head.

“Nah, I’ll kidnap slash get Luce. I can get her stones and take a look at them while I’m at it.” he said hefting himself up from the squashy couch. “Would be cool to have angus weigh in his findings too if that’s okay kid.”

“Magnus, message Carey and let her know we’re kidnapping her boss.” Davenport ordered. Mags saluted with one hand and gave him a thumbs up with the other.

“Lup hold the stone here, would you? You can act as a distraction if she comes back on before I get there.” Barry asked as he summons a pen knife scythe.

“Hell yeah Babe!” Lup grins. He draws it up till there’s a portal big enough ripped in the air. “Oh, Tell Lucy I said be a dear and come quietly!”

“Bluejeans, stop abusing your sacred portal privileges. Again.” Kravitz frowned. But he’d hardly finished speaking when Barry’s stepped though the portal.

“Good luck trying to keep them in line Kravitz.” Merle jeered.

Davenport agreed. “the very best of luck. I tried for a hundred years.”

“He’s only gonna go get her earth side so you can keep being rude about her age, home slice.” Taako points out. Kravitz scowled.

Lucretia’s ‘screen’ Vanishes. And having indeed kidnapped the madam director, the rift reopens in the Blupjeans lounge. and Barry returns with a resigned to her fate Lucretia under one arm. With her arms crossed. Straight as a plank of wood.

“Sorry, what did you say Krav? I was helping a little old lady cross the road.” He grinned.

“Little? Barold you’re shorter than me. And older.” Lucretia laughed as he righted her. “and I could have walked Oof!”

Lucretia was interrupted as Both she and Barry were Mobbed by a delighted Lup and tackled on to the couch.

A very loud Delighted Lup and the group were again nearly deafened by the sound with her squealing. It

“Hey doofus, my ears!” Taako complained.

“And the dogs.” Magus warned.

“Hey, be careful she might break a hip!” Merle teased.

it ends up the three of them on the sofa. Lup whose hair and legs take up most of the space, sat in the middle practically in Barry’s lap and Lucretia on her other side under the arms ragdoll style, like Mookie would hold with his teddy bear. Neither seemed to mind.

Once they her held hostage with a fresh cup of coffee Everyone goes back to winding Lucretia up time. Again. And the conversation derails, (again,) into how many candles who had on what cake last year; and how the BOB, the Reapers and the IRPE should get a retirement pension plan started. 

Angus meanwhile had missed most of the chat. Deciding he probably wasn’t going to get any work done now, looked again at the picture.

Actually, taking a long hard look at the picture. But even projecting it from the crystal screen on to the floor and making the image as big as he can make it go, they were to his eyes, just a bunch of dogs. And he still couldn’t understand what was so delightful about it to his family. Metaphorical Detective cap on then. And Angus sits down to think really hard about What he knows about the seven birds, and what he knows about dogs and what Magnus has taught him about different types of dogs. Specifically, what he knows about the dogs in the photo. Because In the photo is while it is a bunch of dogs, it’s also a whole bunch of very different dogs. 

While Magnus originally specialised in raising Ever Somer Deerhounds and they still make up good seventy percent of the school, he’d taken on different breeds for different types of service dogs. As well as taking in a few waifs and rescues to hopefully rehome. And others that are just staying in the kennels for some training or while their owners are away. 

So, in the picture is A bunch of different dogs.

All sprawled on and around the big ex-guard dog. 

Bruiser is one of the beefiest dogs on site. He’s half deer hound and pure muscle. A beefy dog with a beefy a vets cone at the moment, Because the silly thing had run in to a door so hard it had needed stitches on its forehead. He was meant to be a melisha attack dog but didn’t make the grade. Magnus is hoping he can be a family guard dog, as he’s fierce and loud but generally a big softie. In the picture he’s his tongue lolling out, Flat on his back paws in the centre of the pile, as if he were a big teddy bear. Which was fair given it was almost like a small bear in size.  
  
  


Close Nearby, an old border collie mongrel (nicknamed Mutt) was on its side, sliding out of a dog bed. Half in half out the bed to be exact. Quite in character for the Half blind three-legged cheeky old bugger. Mutt was to look at old and lazy until he’d go nuts in green spaces, Running the lengths of fields and Digging up trash. When it wasn’t trying to round up other dogs and heard them. He’d been retired from herding his flock but still plenty of life in the old dog yet. A dog whose mop of fur Angus knew to quite smooth and light when brushed, was now grass stained and dirt from whatever the scruffy hound had rolled in this time on its walk, prosthetic and all.  
  
  


Next to Mutt was Whizzard; a fancy ass poodle with a simple but elaborate slightly purple looking fur do, glitter still in its curls. The purple because His past owner a rather flamboyant/extravagant. The glitter because It had mistaken Angus’s focus for a dog toy a few days ago and grabbed it out of his hand. It had gone off like a bath bomb in its jaws. But the poodle didn’t seem to upset. Even working the look. The poodles had taken a shine to Angus and always made a beeline for him.

Next to it was LadyFlame Snr, the one that had perked up at the camera, its legs and fur taking up most of its space. the long-haired Borzoi had come from the same owner. With a dye job to match her name, Pinks, oranges and red colours still dipped in yet to grow out of her fur. Along with the same glitter effect where she been playing with her brother from another litter. Lady and Whiz stuck to each other like glue, but Lady was more approachable and sociable, hopeful in regard to adoption, they wouldn’t be separated anytime soon.

In the picture she was snuggled up to the poodle and curled around with her other unlikely companion, of Hal, a smaller stockier dog. Older looking too with patches of grey in its fur. Some form of Labrador-cross, Angus guessed. Very plain looking except for with a little blue coat and patches around its eyes. Patches almost like glasses. Hal could be a little odd around people. A bit of a bad dog sometimes then a total sweetheart. He’d been a service dog till his owner had passed away and had been struggling with that. Labradors were normally loyal to a fault after all. But he’d made a friend and pack with LadyF.

The head of the pack (despite its size) was a normally very bark-active terrier with a smart bowtie for a collar. Admiral is another older dog, who only came to school every so often when his owner was traveling, now that Admiral was getting a bit old for adventuring. Older and smaller, but instantly demands respect. Other dogs did not argue with him not even the big ones. He had a lot of bark for a small dog Caught between being a solitary pup and Anxious separational anxiety like Mutt he was often herding other dogs up. He’d fallen asleep while chewing and tearing up newspaper again. Admiral was laying little bit separate from the others in the biggest dog bed, but still got a paw in on the pile.

Six dogs. 

Oh, and the stray that had become part of Hammer and Tails yards. So, Seven dogs. If you counted that as a dog.

It was very odd to have a cat at a Dog School. When Magnus had first spotted the stray, the cat hissed spat and shot out from its hiding place in his wood shop so quick, he’d nearly dropped his axe on his foot in surprise. Poor thing looked been through hell despite barely out of kitten hood. It didn’t have a set name. C-for, kit-ten, Mystery Cat, Luna, and Nermal were strong contenders. Magnus made sure bowls of food were left out and got one of twins to cast predissertation and eradicate pests to help clean her up. although they hadn’t gotten to examine her yet and get her to a fantasy vet. 

It must have been desperate to shelter, given the place was full of dogs. It was certainly doing much better now she’d had a daily meal left out for it, a place to stay and a little TLC, albeit at arm’s length. Certainly, looked a lot less scruffy too. Mags joked it had earnt its keep by protecting the kibble stores from mice.

It still hadn’t let anyone pet it yet, with exception to one hesitantly excepted hand nudge from Angus before she’d bolted again. But it let humans get close now, instead of shooting away spooked of them. But it let the dogs near.

Well with exceptions. Some dogs weren’t bothered at all to have cat in their presence. And Some dogs would bark and try to go for her. But the stray always managed to High enough to avoid get chased. Glare at them Like a boss, flicking her tail.

Most of the time it looked quite elegant and superior, as cats are want to do. Especially when it perched itself on roof tops and in the high beams of the ceilings, some queen looking down on them. 

But it was still goofy as any dog it curled up with when it thought no one was looking. Angus had seen the way it had leapt up when he’d woke the others and he had plenty silly pictures and crazy cat videos to go with this picture. Here, she was currently dozing face down like a loaf on top of the dogpile, snuggled up against the back of the big Shepherd dog.

The as yet unnamed stray. Mutt. Admiral. Hal. Lady F snr. Whizard. Bruiser.

The big guard dog and a cat. The Borzoi. A Poodle, A Lab. A terrier. And…whatever kind of dog that was.

Angus still couldn’t get what all the fuss was about. What was it about this particular scene that would Spark such a response from the IPRE seven? Make them ask to Get copies, make magnus so emotional.

He looked at the picture scrutinizing it for Any clues. But all he could see were Six dogs. And One cat. Seven

Animals…

“It’s us.” Merle had said.

And then… it clicked.

Dogs. And a cat. Birds. Seven dogs if you counted the cat. The Seven birds.

In the time it had taken Angus to solve the mystery, Magnus is calling that lunch is nearly ready and the conversation had moved on. Specifically, onto Lup looking up pensioner deals in newspaper; and winding up The Captain, Merle, Barry and Lucretia with them.

Taako and Kravitz meanwhile were bullying Magnus. Kravitz for Magnus eating the group chat name sake; The elf was insistent he can hear Magnus burning the toast wrong down the line. Sometime interrupting himself with snippets of insulting Kravitz and how his is even more appalling than Merle and Davenport at using modern stone technology. 

“Okay I get that; I still don’t get what I’m seeing here.” The Reaper complained to Taako. “They’re just dogs.”

“But I saw a brilliant light, playing fetch with seven dogs,” Angus cut in in a grave tone. Much to his family's delight. “Running tirelessly from the storm…

“Well… I saw six dogs.” He corrected, cuddling up with Johan the Dog. “And a cat. But _I saw Seven Dogs_...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> And by happy accident in true The Adventure Zone fashion the doc lenth on this story is exactly 69 pages. B)

**Author's Note:**

> Woof! thanks for reading ;3


End file.
